Boundaries/Transcript

This is the transcript for "Boundaries" the third episode of Season 4 of One Day at a Time.<< Previous Transcript Next >>

Scene 1: Therapy Group

Penelope and her therapy group are sitting in a circle.

PENELOPE: When you have a teenage boy... You know the day will come... And it's only a matter of time before someone opens a door that they shouldn't, and sees someone doing something... with themselves... And last night it happened.

PAM: Oh no. You walked in on Alex.

PENELOPE: No... He walked in on me.

EVERYONE: Ugh!

INTRO PLAYS

JILL: So, Alex walked in on you having a ménage à moi?

RAMONA: D.J.ing for a party of one?

PENELOPE: Very much so, yes

CYNTHIA: Why didn't you lock the door?

PENELOPE: Cause we're not that kind of family. We don't have locks on our doors, except the front door. We have fourteen locks on that.

PAM: Well, you know this kind of sounds like a private family issue to me, so --

PENELOPE: Yeah, nice try, Pam. It was Friday night, and my mom and the kids were going to the movies.

The scene switches to the previous Friday night, where Lydia, Elena, and Alex are getting ready to leave. And Penelope is leaving

PENELOPE: (voiceover) I'd had a long week, and I was looking forward to having the place to myself because I rarely get the place to myself.

ALEX: You sure you don't want to come?

PENELOPE: Oh, no. I'm tired. You guys, go, have fun!

Penelope grabs a wine glass, a full wine bottle, and dances to her bedroom.

PENELOPE: (voiceover) So I grabbed my wine and got into bed to watch a little Outlander.

PAM: I'm sorry. What's Outlander?

RAMONA: Outlander is a show about this woman who touches a rock and then gets sent back in time to have sex with this super-hot Scottish dude to save her life.

PAM: Oh.

RAMONA: It's quality television, Pam. Culture yourself

JILL: I've definitely enjoyed some alone time watching Outlander. I mean, that accent does it for me.

BETH: Doesn't work for me. They all sound like Shrek.

JiILL: Shrek can get it.

RAMONA: Rachel Maddow. What I would do to get into her blazers. Sometimes, I just picture her naked, beating the crap out of Mitch McConnell.

PENELOPE: Anyway I was in the room with my door closed, enjoying the fine... acting...

Back to Friday night, Irish music is heard coming from Penelope's room. Alex enters.

PENELOPE: (voiceover) When, unbeknownst to me, Alex came back looking for his phone. So he used the landline to call it.

Alex walks into the hallway, when he hears buzzing coming from Penelope's room, thinking it's his phone. He opens the door.

ALEX: Ah!!

PENELOPE: Ahh!!!

ALEX: That's not my phone!

Alex runs out of the apartment. The flashback ends.

PENELOPE: I haven't seen terror in a man's eyes like that since Afghanistan.

JILL: You sure Alex even knows what he saw? Because I've dated full-grown men who don't know what's going on down there.

RAMONA: Maybe he thought you were shaving your legs... in the dark, under the covers.

PENELOPE: Dark? Covers? Ha! That would have been nice.

EVERYONE: Ugh!!!

PENELOPE: I know! I know! I know. So, now that I have robbed my child of his innocence, how do I talk to them about it?

JILL: Talk to him? Are you crazy?

CYNTHIA: Listen, we've all got things we wish we hadn't seen. Like Jill doing karaoke.

JILL: You're just jealous that I can do both parts of Islands of the Stream by myself.

BETH: Sounds like Penelope was doing both parts by herself.

PENELOPE: But I-I just want him to know that there's nothing wrong with it. I mean, there was in that it was me, but he needs to know that moms are sexual beings, too.

RAMONA: Teenage boys never need to know that.

PENELOPE: Well, he at least needs to know that masturbation is healthy.

CYNTHIA: Oh, he definitely already knows that.

RAMONA: He's already really embarrassed. Talking to him about it is only going to make it worse.

JILL: She's right. When I was about his age, I walked in on my parents having sex, and it was incredibly traumatic. They tried to talk to me about it, too.

PENELOPE: So, what happened?

JILL: I enlisted!

Scene 2: Alvarez Living Room

Alex is sitting at the table doing homework. Penelope walks into apartment.

PENELOPE: Hi, Papito.

ALEX: Hey.

PENELOPE: How's it going with your homework? What are you working on?

ALEX: Essay.

PENELOPE: Oh, cool, cool. Cool, cool. (She hands him a banana) You want something to eat?

ALEX: Too soon, Mom.

PENELOPE: Okay, Alex we need to talk.

Alex walks to the couch, Penelope follows.

ALEX: Nah, I'm good.

PENELOPE: It's not gonna make it any less awkward by not talking about it.

ALEX: It might. Let's try.

PENELOPE: Look, I want you to know that what you accidentally witnessed was a completely normal expression of human sexuality.

ALEX: Okay! (Alex pulls an orange knitted Afghan over his head.)

PENELOPE: Okay, yeah. Well, look, we're back here again. Ah. I just want to make sure you don't have any questions. Because masturbation is a healthy, normal part of life.

Lydia opens the curtains.

LYDIA: No, it is not! (She approaches them) It's a dirty, sinful habit for sad, ugly people. Not living, beautiful angels.

ALEX: It wasn't me, it was her.

LYDIA: ¡Qué sucia! Did you learn that in the army? Because no one in our family has ever done that!

PENELOPE: Mami, please, stop with the old-school prudishness. It's natural!

LYDIA: Maybe for men! Because they are animals who cannot control themselves! But women! Women are civilized! We are mothers! We do not put the hand that wipes the tears of our child down the front of our bloomens!

Elena enters.

ELENA: What are you guys talking about?

PENELOPE: The completely normal act of female self-pleasure?

ELENA: Oh, can I tag in?

ALEX: Can I tag out?

Alex gets up to leave but Elena pulls him back to the couch.

ELENA: No, no, no, no, no, no. I have been reading a lot about--

ALEX: Please! I don't need more information!

ELENA: No, there are real health benefits from self gratification, particularly for women, like reduced stress, and pain relief from menstrual cramps, and improved cognition.

LYDIA: ¡Qué tontería! Sex is between people who are married. It is Adam and Eve. Not Bzzzz and Eve!

ELENA: Abuelita, are you saying that you, of all people, never... opened the curtains?

LYDIA: Oh! (Covers her ears)

ALEX: No! Please don't answer that. I will literally give each of you twenty dollars to stop talking about this! This is not a normal conversation, this family needs boundaries!

PENELOPE: Boundaries? What do you mean boundaries? Boundaries are for white people. Next thing you know, we're eating Lunchables in separate rooms and grand-mama lives in a home!

LYDIA: Ay no! (Does the sign of the cross)

PENELOPE: Listen, I'm trying to make you understand that this is nothing you should ever feel ashamed about.

LYDIA: No, no, no, no, no! Shame is good for you! You should be proud of your shame!

ALEX: I already said I don't want to talk about this with you. I need my privacy.

PENELOPE: (chuckles) Oh, that's cute. Yeah, there is no such thing as privacy from your own mother. I made you. Your life is my life. I am you.

LYDIA: And I am her, so I am also you!

ELENA: What about me?

LYDIA: You're kind of your own thing. But your mami is right. In this family, we talk about everything. There are no boundaries, there are no secrets. ¡Y ya!

Scene 3: Restaurant

Lydia is at a table for two with a young man, named Danny.

LYDIA: This is a secret! And if you tell anyone about this date, I will deny everything!

Commercial Break

DANNY: Um, while you are beautiful...

Lydia chuckles.

DANNY: You look nothing like your profile picture, Penelope...

LYDIA: Oh, you caught me! It was not me in the pictures! And this is not a date, it is an interview. (takes out a clipboard)

DANNY: An interview?

LYDIA: Yes, to see if you are a worthy suitor to date my daughter, Penelope, who is the smoke show in those pictures. Haha! (Reads clipboard) So, it says here you majored in engineering.

DANNY: Yes... with a minor in theater.

LYDIA: I love the theater. But there is no money in it so I have to dock you some points. (Marks off her paper) So, you will love Penelope, she is smart, and kind, and funny. But recently she has been touching herself which is why I am here.

Danny's eyes widen.

LYDIA: I know, I was shocked myself. But I realized she must be doing that because she is very lonely. And I want my daughter to find happiness.

DANNY: Oh, well, when you put it like that, it's actually very sweet. I'm close with my mom too. We talk every day.

LYDIA: Every day? You are now my top contender. So, tell me, for the win. Who is your favorite pope? There is a right answer.

Scene 4: Alvarez Living Room

Lydia enters the apartment, humming "Here Comes The Bride." She opens her curtains and sees Elena standing there and yells in surprise.

ELENA: I want to talk with you about the female orgasm.

Lydia closes the curtain. Elena opens it.

ELENA: Abuelita, I want to share this book on self-exploration with you. It's called "I'll have what I'm having." It will help you find pleasure.

Lydia throws the book in a nearby trash can.

LYDIA: You're right. That was very pleasurable.

ELENA: Oy! (Takes the book and leaves)

Penelope and Alex enter the apartment.

LYDIA: ¡Ay, qué bueno! You are home! You have a date. His name is Danny, and he is Catholic. And he is an engineer, and he is Catholic.

PENELOPE: (laughs) What are you talking about?

LYDIA: Well, I realized that if you were not lonely, you would not have to do "keen koo keen keen key." (Dances, putting her hands on her legs) So I... como se dice... catfished. I made you a profile on Tinder.

PENELOPE: Okay, my whole face just went numb. How could you do this?

LYDIA: Well, I simply broke into your phone, emailed myself photos of you, and ticky-tocky, I found you a man.

PENELOPE: Let me see the profile. (Looks at her phone) Oh God! OH GOD!! Under bio it says "lonely, Catholic nurse seeks big, strong man to fill the hole in her life?"

ALEX: Abuelita, you might want to reword that.

PENELOPE: You put my measurements on here?

LYDIA: Of course. With your perfect ratio, why bury the lede?

PENELOPE: How did you even get them?

LYDIA: You are a very sound sleeper. (Takes phone back) It's also on your profile.

Schneider enters.

SCHNEIDER: ¿Qué tal, Lydia? How did the date with Danny go? Did he say Pope Francis?

PENELOPE: Of course you were a part of this.

SCHNEIDER: Um, yeah. We're all very concerned. Actually, you should be glad I helped her, the first profile she set up was on Craigslist. Under free stuff.

PENELOPE: Oh dear God. Mami, mami, you need to back way up. What I do in my room behind closed doors is my business. Who I choose to date is my business. And I don't want you meddling, I have a right to my privacy.

ALEX: Ohhh! Interesting twist! I thought you said there was no such thing as privacy from you own mother.

PENELOPE: I'm an adult, son! (To Lydia) And you do me a favor, Mami. You stay out of my love life.

LYDIA: Fine, it should be easy to stay of something that doesn't exist! And while I'm at it, I'll also stay out of Hogwarts!

PENELOPE: You know, maybe Alex is right!

ALEX: I am?

PENELOPE: Maybe! Maybe this family does need boundaries! We clearly have no idea how to respect each other's personal space!

LYDIA: I don't understand what you are saying! Should I tell Danny 7:30?

PENELOPE: Oh no! No! Okay, you don't respect my feelings, you don't respect my privacy. This is not normal.

LYDIA: What is not normal is making love to a robot!

PENELOPE: It's not a robot, it's a personal massager.

ALEX: (Stands up, walks to the front door) Okay, you know what, I'm just gonna go over too Schneider's. Probably forever. Come on, Schneider.

SCHNEIDER: I'll catch up with you later. I'm pretty invested in this.

Alex rolls his eyes and leaves.

PENELOPE: Okay, from now on, we knock on doors, we don't overshare, and we don't meddle.

LYDIA: Lupita, you are being too sensitive. All I am saying is that I cannot be a mother-in-law to a dustbuster!

PENELOPE: Well, guess what? If I did marry my vibrator, you would not be invited.

LYDIA: Then I could get an invite from the groom, and sit on his side of the chapel, with all the blenders and air fryers!

Lydia goes in her room and closes the curtains.

Scene 5: Alvarez Living Room

Lydia is standing in front of her room. Elena and Alex are eating breakfast. Penelope enters.

PENELOPE: Good morning, Mami. How did you sleep?

LYDIA: I don't see how that is any of your business. In fact, I want you to respect my privacy. No matter what happens.

PENELOPE: (Rolls her eyes) Okay.

LYDIA: (Poorly acting) Oh, I am so tired! I barely slept last night.

Dr. Berkowtiz opens the curtains, wearing a bathrobe over his normal clothes.

DR. B.: (Poorly acting) You caught me leaving Lydia's bedroom in my post-coital glow.

LYDIA: I know you have a lot of questions, but obviously I cannot answer any of them, porque boundaries.

PENELOPE: Well if the world's worst breakfast theater is over... I'm gonna go to work. Can I get a ride, Dr. B.?

DR. B.: I would, but your mom promised to make me breakfast if I came over in my bathrobe looking like a snack.

LYDIA: Breakfast is for closers, Leslie!

Scene 6: Schneider's apartment

Penelope enters.

PENELOPE: How many dating accounts did you and my mom set up? I'm getting emails from ScottishHotties.com.

SCHNEIDER: I watch Outlander. I know what you like.

PENELOPE: This has gotten out of hand.

SCHNEIDER: Kind of how it started, right?

PENELOPE: My mom is out of control. I told her we need boundaries and now she's down there, starring in a telenovela, la mamá de la sucia.

SCHNEIDER: But didn't you bring this on yourself? You keep changing the rules about boundaries.

PENELOPE: No, the rules are very simple. No boundaries between me and my son. Yes boundaries between me and my mom.

SCHNEIDER: But isn't that kind of hypocritical?

PENELOPE: No! He's my baby, I can't leave him to deal with all this stuff by himself! I'm his mother.

SCHNEIDER: Sure, sure, sure, sure. But Lydia is your mother--Oh my God! You guys are basically doing the same thing! That is adorable!

PENELOPE: No... No! I'm a grown woman and she needs to stop mothering me now.

SCHNEIDER: Oh okay. So I guess there's gonna be a time when you stop mothering Alex?

PENELOPE: Damn it, Schneider.

Penelope opens the door to see a guy wearing a kilt.

SCHNEIDER: Not now, Angus!

Angus leaves. Penelope leaves.

Scene 7: Alvarez Living Room

Penelope enters, Lydia is on the couch and puts something up to her ear.

LYDIA: Yes, Leslie? Well, I hope it's nothing, but I am late.

PENELOPE: Mami, that's the remote.

LYDIA: Well, if anyone knows their electric handheld devices, it's you.

PENELOPE: Oh my God. Will you stop... so I can apologize to you?

LYDIA: Apologize? Oh? I am listening.

PENELOPE: I get it. I understand when you meddle in my life, or steal my identity and offer me up like a used couch on the internet, it's because you love me.

LYDIA: Ay, Lupita, I would do anything for your happiness.

PENELOPE: Thank you. (Walks to Elena and Alex who are at the table doing homework) So, I guess we're back to no boundaries. Although, I am gonna put a lock on the door, if only to save Alex from further trauma.

ALEX: That's literally all I wanted. Of course, now when the door is locked, I'll know what's happening in there. And that's it's own special kind of scarring.

ELENA: There is nothing scarring about a woman taking care of her needs.

ALEX: You weren't there!

PENELOPE: Look, being in each other's business is a small price to pay for being as close as we are. And in order to stay close, we have to be close. And that's a trade-off I'm okay with.

LYDIA: I am so happy! But I wish you would have come to your senses earlier! I ran into the most perfect man at the grocery store. But because you told me to stay out of your love life, I said nothing. (knock on door) Or did I?

PENELOPE: Wow! (walks to the door, Lydia, Alex, and Elena leave) Why? Why am I even surprised?! Of course you had no intention to ever respect those boundaries!

She opens the door, and to her surprise, Max is standing there.

MAX: Hello

PENELOPE: Hi, Max. What are you doing here? I thought you were in Indonesia.

MAX: Yeah, I'm back. They have these things called airplanes.

Max points to inside.

PENELOPE: Yeah.

Max enters.

MAX: So, I, uh, I ran into your mom at the grocery store. And she over-shared about a lot of things. But in the end she said that you missed me. So, do you? 'Cause I sure do miss the hell out of you, kid.

Penelope points to her lips. He picks her up and they start kissing. Schneider enters.

SCHNEIDER: Hey, Pen. I got those double A batteries you asked for--Oh my God! Max, you're back?! (Grunts) Buddy, I missed you so much!

Schneider hugs them while they kiss. Penelope waves him to go away, but Schneider thinks it's a high five, then high fives her and grabs her hand.

SCHNEIDER: Yes, yes, yes! Exactly!

THE END