This is the transcript for "Hold, Please," the seventh episode of Season 1 of One Day at a Time.<< Previous Transcript Next >> >
Scene 1: Alvarez Living Room []
[theme song playing] Penelope is sitting on the couch, doing laundry while she is eating cheese puffs with a phone on the little table in front of her. She accidentally stains a white shirt.
PENELOPE: Oh! Oh.
Lydia comes into the living room holding Elena's yearbook.
ELENA: Abuelita, give me back my yearbook!
LYDIA: Your quinces is around the corner, and we need to pick a boy to be your escort.
ELENA: There's no one in here. I just--
LYDIA: Then, use your phone and Chapsmat somebody.
ELENA: You don't understand social media. Abuelita-- LYDIA: No, no, no. Of course I do. All you have to do is find a boy and twat at him.
PENELOPE: [coughs softly]
ELENA: I hope you mean tweet?
LYDIA: "Twat", "Tweet". Same thing.
PENELOPE: Not the same thing, Mami. Can you guys go fight somewhere else? I'm on hold with the VA.
LYDIA: Okay, but Elena has to pick an escort by today! Or we will not have enough time to prepare.
ELENA: But I want to go to the street fair...and my quinces is two months away!
LYDIA: [mockingly] Jajaja. Qué funny! We still have to pick the other 14 members of the court. We have to choreograph the dances. We have to pick the weakest dancers and put them in the back and put a curtain in front of them. Elena, pick by the end of the day, or your escort will be Cousin Orencio.
ELENA: Cousin Orencio smells like a Dorito that died in a pool of Axe body spray.
LYDIA: [mutters]
ELENA: [scoffs] Good luck getting him out of Tía Mimi's basement.
LYDIA: I'll get him out of Tía Mimi's basement.
PENELOPE: Hey, no, don't touch that phone! ¡Ay! [inhales sharply] Ay, ay, Elena. [sighs] Just take the yearbook and pick somebody.
ELENA: [sighs]Fine!
LYDIA: This should be fun! Pick whoever you want. As long as he is a dancer, and he is Cuban, and he is handsome, and I'm coming in.
PENELOPE: [sighs] [music stops] Hello? [music resumes] Ah! That's cold, VA. Ice cold. [knocking at door]
JILL: Alvarez, let's go! There's a street fair downstairs. Beer, food..this! [sound of electronic sword clanking]
PENELOPE: Did you buy that?
JILL: I won it...after spending 40 bucks at the ring toss. Wait, are you still on hold with the VA?
PENELOPE: No! I got right through. [both laughing]
JILL: Wait, can I leave this up here for safekeeping?
PENELOPE: Who's gonna steal that?
JILL: Schneider.
PENELOPE: Hide it in my mom's room. Anyway, I can't go. Today's the day I finally get through to Jolene. [sighs deeply] She's my white whale. My Bigfoot. My meal cooked by my mother using no pork products of any kind.
JILL: [laughs] Hey, I served. I get it. But I try to never deal with the VA. I stopped calling them about my punctured eardrum.
PENELOPE: That seems like a bad plan.
Jill: Oh, thanks. I got it on sale.
PENELOPE: [shouts] I'll see you down...Yeah, she can't hear me.
WOMAN: [on telephone] Pain Management Department. Last name and last four digits of your social--
PENELOPE: Alvarez, 2294...[groans as she falls on the floor] Are you... Are you...Are you... are you there? Say something.
WOMAN: [on telephone] Please hold.
PENELOPE: Not that!
Alex comes in, with Finn and Schneider.
ALEX: Hi.
FINN: Hey, Ms. Alvarez.
PENELOPE: Hey, guys. How was baseball?
SCHNEIDER: Terrible! I mean, they played great. But my snack game was way off! The kids barely touched my black olive tapenade.
PENELOPE: Thanks for helping out, but maybe next time pick a food a kid would wanna eat...or has heard of.
ALEX: Yeah, and maybe next time, don't hand out masks with my face on them. Handsome, but creepy.
LYDIA: [groans] [exaggerated whimpering] Ah--
PENELOPE: What, Mami?
LYDIA: Your daughter is so dramatic. No puedo más.
PENELOPE: Mami, don't worry, she will pick someone. [inhales sharply] ¡Ay!
ALEX: You okay, Mom?
PENELOPE: Yeah. I just need to talk to Jolene and get my shoulder squared away.
LYDIA: Here, take one of your pain pills.
PENELOPE: I thought you don't want me to take "las drogas"?
LYDIA: The pain in your body is real. The pain in your mind is in your head.
PENELOPE: [sighs]
FINN: What happened, Ms. Alvarez?
ALEX: It's nothing, Finn.
SCHNEIDER: Hey, don't be so modest. She jacked her shoulder up in Afghanistan, being a hero.
PENELOPE: [scoffs] "Hero." Kabul, 2004. I was assisting in surgery when a mortar hit close to the OR.