One Halloween at a Time/Transcript

This is the transcript for "One Halloween at a Time" the fourth episode of Season 4 of One Day at a Time.<< Previous Transcript Next >>

Scene 1: Max's Bedroom

Max and Penelope are on Max's bed.

MAX: Mmm...

PENELOPE: Listen, Max.

MAX: Hm?

PENELOPE: Ever since we got back together, there's a question I feel like I have to ask you.

MAX: Sure, anything.

PENELOPE: Did we get better at this?

MAX: Well, we have to give a little bit of credit to that performance enhancer you gave me. This knee brace is a game-changer.

PENELOPE: (Laughs) Alright, got to get ready for Halloween. Though what we did was a treat that involved a few tricks.

MAX: Maybe we should just blow off the costume. I mean, you already are a sexy nurse.

PENELOPE: Hey, that's demeaning. Sexy nurse practitioner! (She kisses him.) But we're doing the costumes.

MAX: I can't wait. Ooh, but before you go, there is something I want to give you. (Max gets up and stands at the bathroom door) In the shower.

PENELOPE: God bless that knee brace.

Intro plays

Scene 2: Alvarez Living Room

Lydia is unpacking a box of Halloween decorations when Elena and Syd walk in with their costumes.

LYDIA: Oh good, you are going out for Halloween.

ELENA: Mm hm, I'm climate change activist Greta Thunberg. And Syd is a melting iceberg. Because you're too hot.

SYD: (giggles) Awww!

ELENA: We're Thunberg and iceberg!

LYDIA: Why can't you just be cats? You already have the whiskers.

ELENA: We are not going trick or treating. We are going door to door to collect signatures and inform people about man-made climate change.

SYD: Shouldn't we say person-made climate change?

ELENA: I'm good with the men taking the credit for this one.

SYD: Halloween is the perfect night because suckers will open the door for anybody.

ELENA: Oh yeah, you ring the doorbell and before they even know what's happening, you hit them with the facts.

SYD: Bam! Damage will be irreversible by 2030!

ELENA: Bam! Welcome to the insect apocalypse!

LYDIA: Bam! That is the sound of a door slamming in your face! (Holds a jack-o-lantern decoration) Put this outside.

ELENA: Ugh, with that bobo in the White House, I can't stand to look at an orange face right now.

LYDIA: He's like a pumpkin, he will get thrown out in November.

Schneider and Avery walk in, wearing their costumes. Schneider is some kind of hairy animal and Avery is in a yoga outfit.

SCHNEIDER: Well, guess what we are?

LYDIA: A reminder to shave my legs?

SCHNEIDER: No, come on! This is serious!

AVERY: It's okay babe, they just, they need a hint.

(Schneider gallops over, Avery lifts her leg and does a yoga pose)

LYDIA: Okay, okay. (To Schneider) You are a cow and (To Avery) you have stepped in the cow caca.

SCHNEIDER: Goat yoga! G-o-o-oat. Yoga. Obviously! Ugh, we're never gonna win!

AVERY: He's got a lot riding on winning tonight's Halloween costume contest at the Echo Park country club.

ELENA: We have a country club in Echo Park?

AVERY: Oh no, it's the Beverly Hills Country Club. They just call it Echo Park on Halloween to make it sound scary.

SCHNEIDER: I've never won. But this year I can't lose because I have Avery in my life, and I'm finally in a loving relationship.

ELENA: Aww!

SCHNEIDER: And couples' costumes always win! The prize is an iPad mini and I never win anything.

ELENA: You're a rich, straight, cisgender white dude. You won at life.

SCHNEIDER: But I want an iPad mini.

Penelope enters.

PENELOPE: Ooh, hey! Little Bo Peep and a messed-up sheep?

SCHNEIDER: Come on, let's go back to back to our apartment.

PENELOPE: Oh, it's a Halloween miracle!

SCHNEIDER: A hardy-har, har-har-har!

ELENA: Mom, we're gonna go now.

PENELOPE: Ooh, you two look great. This is a lot better than last year's toxic drinking water and tumor costumes.

SYD: Yeah, we really bummed out that senior center.

PENELOPE: Bye-bye.

LYDIA: Lupita, you look so happy. Did you enjoy your walk?

PENELOPE: Walk?

LYDIA: Of shame? I know you were with Max doing hanky-panky when you needed to be here, doing tricky-treaty.

PENELOPE: Mami, I don't know what you're talking about. We were knitting sweaters and reading the Bible.

LYDIA: What is wrong with you? I would have broken him down like a cardboard box. (Gives her a jack-o-lantern) Put this outside.

PENELOPE: Okay I'll do that.

(Penelope opens the door to see a guy with gray hair kissing someone)

PENELOPE: Hey, take it somewhere else, you old creep!

(The guy turns around, it turns out to be Alex and Nora)

ALEX: Oh, hey mom.

PENELOPE: Whoa! Look at that hair! What's your costume? Anderson Cooper, Billy Idol, Steve Martin?

ALEX: I don't know who any of those people are.

NORA: Doesn't he look like he could be in a boy band?

PENELOPE: Yeah, Boyz II Old Men.

ALEX: Mom wait, this isn't my costume. I dyed my hair.

PENELOPE: Like permanently? How could you do that without asking me?

ALEX: I did ask you. I said, "Mom, on Halloween, can I dye my hair silver?"

PENELOPE: Why would you use Halloween in that sentence? That is so misleading!

LYDIA: (Gasps) Papito, what have you done? You look just like your abuelo! Tonight I will put you in his suit and we will dance!

ALEX: Oh, I've made a big mistake.

PENELOPE: Yeah you did! We'll talk about it later when you get back from trick-or-treating.

ALEX: Um, yeah, I think I'm over that.

PENELOPE: Wait, so, you're done trick-or-treating? Was last year your last year? Why didn't you tell me?

ALEX: How could I tell you last year was the last year if I didn't know until this year?

PENELOPE: Well you're a wise old man, figure it out.

ALEX: I'm sorry, but can I please go to Nora's? Her parents are having a party.

NORA: Don't worry, he'll be home in time to take his arthritis pills.

PENELOPE: Ooh! That's a good one. Yes, you can go to Nora's house. But make sure you're home in time to spoon your grandmother. Bye viejito!

Scene 3: Alvarez Living Room

Everyone is gone but Penelope and Lydia. Penelope answers her phone.

PENELOPE: Hello Max. What are you wearing?

MAX: (Over phone) Rubber.

Max is seen exiting his bathroom wearing orange rubber gloves.

MAX: But not in a fun way. Just got done cleaning my bathroom.

Lydia takes the trash out, but a hole rips in the bag and she starts picking stuff up.

PENELOPE: Well, I can't wait to see you.

Lydia picks up a pink box.

LYDIA: Pregnancy test?

MAX: Oh, I can't wait to see you too. I was just about to head over. Are you sure you have enough candy?

PENELOPE: Completely sure. Positive!

Lydia looks up, surprised, as she can't hear Max, she thinks she is talking about the pregnancy.

MAX: Because I can stop.

PENELOPE: I've been through this a couple times before. 100% sure.

Lydia's jaw drops.

MAX: You want to come over here instead of handing out candy all night?

PENELOPE: What am I supposed to do, leave it in a basket outside the door and hope someone takes it?

Lydia puts her hand over her chest in disgust.

PENELOPE: That's not how I was raised.

LYDIA: Eso!

PENELOPE: What, mami?

LYDIA: Queso! It's Spanish for cheese. Saved it.

Scene 4: Alvarez Living Room

Penelope, wearing her costume, opens the door to Max, wearing his costume. They are characters from Grease.

PENELOPE: Heh!

They do a dance move from Grease.

MAX: Oh, I gotta admit, "Grease" was a great costume idea.

PENELOPE: Right? Because we go together.

MAX: Is it weird that I'm really attracted to you even though you're technically dressed as a high-school girl?

PENELOPE: Nah, every teen in that movie was pushing forty. Instead of zits, they were worried about liver spots. (she kisses him)

Avery enters, wearing a drag racer costume.

AVERY: Presenting the house of Schneider!

Schneider enters in a drag queen costume.

SCHNEIDER: Serving Halloween Extravaganza realness!

Avery and Schneider do a dance move.

SCHNEIDER: Well, do you get it?

MAX: Drag...race. You're drag race.

SCHNEIDER: Yes! Thank you! I mean, it' really more of a history lesson in heels. The full title is "Drag Race-- A Drag Queen Started Stonewall."

PENELOPE: (Laughs) Oh, "Drag Race." That's cute.

AVERY: Oh no, don't say that.

SCHNEIDER: Cute? (Approaches her) Do you think I tucked and taped for cute?

PENELOPE: You're in a dress. I think you tucked and taped for nothing.

SCHNEIDER: Cute's for losers. Last year, I went as the "Hang in there" cat. Nothing! I almost gave up for good but then I looked in the mirror and something inspired me to keep going. Anyway, back to the drawing board!

Schneider leaves.

AVERY: He actually draws on a board. Stick figures. It's very sad. I can fix him.

Avery leaves.

MAX: She's a lucky woman.

PENELOPE: Yeah. Alright, now it's time for a little summer lovin' and by summer I mean October and by lovin' I mean wine.

Someone knocks on the door.

MAX: Ooh, candy duty calls!

PENELOPE: Ooh, our first trick-or-treaters! I love seeing those little cuties all dressed up!

Max answers and Doctor Berkowitz enters wearing his Beast costume from Beauty and the Beast.

DR. B: The Beast is here!

LYDIA: (Opens her curtain, wearing a Belle costume) And so is the beauty!

PENELOPE: Wow! Beauty and the Beast! You guys did a couple's costume too!

LYDIA: They were a couple? I never saw the movie. I thought it was about a beautiful woman and her pet dog in a tuxedo. Leslie, may I see you in the kitchen?

DR. B.: Oh, shall I be your guest?

LYDIA: Why are you being weird? Get in the kitchen.

Lydia goes to the kitchen with him. When they are out of sight, Lydia shows him the pregnancy test.

LYDIA: Look.

He sees it and gets on one knee.

DR. B.: I don't know who the father is, but I assure you, I will raise the baby as my own.

LYDIA: No Leslie! It is not my baby!

DR. B.: Oh thank God. I can't raise a baby.

He struggles to get up.

DR. B.: I—I can't even get up off this knee! Maybe I should try one of those knee braces Penelope's raving about at work.

LYDIA: Penelope is pregnant!

DR. B.: Dios mío! Does Max know about this!

LYDIA: I think that is what they are talking about right now! (She closes the shutter) They deserve privacy. They're not going to get it, but they deserve it!

Scene 5: Apartment Building Hallway

Elena and Syd are walking in the hallway of the apartment building in their costumes.

ELENA: Wait wait wait wait wait. Okay, what should we hit them with first? How rising sea levels will destroy coastal communities? Or the coming political chaos caused by widespread food insecurity?

SYD: There's both so inevitable. Okay, you decide, and I'll use what I learned from my summer improv course and "Yes and" whatever you say.

Elena knocks on the door. A guy in a Halloween shirt answers.

GUY: Ooh, ooh, ohh! Anna and Olaf from Frozen!

ELENA: Wait? No no no, we're not from Frozen.

SYD: Yes, and—what's not frozen is the Arctic!

GUY: Ha, so cute. Two pieces of candy each.

SYD: Oh thank you, but we are actually here because--

Both speaking indistinctly. The guy closes the door.

ELENA: He totally didn't realize our costumes are making a radical political statement.

SYD: He just thought we were adorable.

ELENA: (Scoffs) Men. Okay well, let's not panic. Because we can get it right on this one.

She knocks on Apartment 227. An old lady answers.

ELENA: Hi, we're here to talk about climate—

OLD LADY: Oh my stars! What very clever and timely costumes!

ELENA: Thank you!

OLD LADY: Dorothy and the tornado!

SYD: We really didn't think this through.

OLD LADY: Well, here you go!

ELENA: Oh, um, thank you so much, but actually—

SYD: We wanted to talk to you about climate change!

The old lady closes the door.

ELENA: We're all gonna die!

SYD: What is going on?

ELENA: I'll tell you what's going on. Full-size candy bars! Let's try the next door!

SYD: Oh, to see if they'll sign the petition.

ELENA: No, to see if they have Snickers!

SYD: Yes, and maybe Twix!

ELENA: Yes!

They run down the hall.

Scene 6: Alvarez Living Room

Penelope closes the door.

PENELOPE: Alright, I'm calling it. Once the thirty-year-old Spongebob comes around, it's time to close up shop.

MAX: Well, we did it! Thanks for having me over. This was fun.

PENELOPE: Well, when Alex said he was done trick-or-treating, I realized a part of my life was ending, but—I guess another part is beginning.

MAX: Sounds like we should make a toast.

PENELOPE: Yes. To new beginnings! (They clink their glasses)

LYDIA: Chardonnay is not for babies!

PENELOPE: What?

Lydia takes Penelope's glass and drinks it all up.

PENELOPE: What is happening?

LYDIA: You are pregnant!

MAX: You're pregnant?

PENELOPE: No!

LYDIA: Well, how do you explain this?

MAX: How do you explain this? (Shows her the pregnancy test)

PENELOPE: Um, it's not mine. I'm not pregnant.

DR B.: So nobody's pregnant?

LYDIA: Somebody is pregnant, according to the trash.

PENELOPE: Hold on. You found a pregnancy test in our trash can?

LYDIA: Well, if it's not yours, then... Oh, could it be Elena's? Do you think she fell off the wagon?

PENELOPE: No, she really loves that wagon. Which means it could only be...

DR. B.: I think the only one—

PENELOPE: Alex, yes, I know Doc!

Max gives Penelope his wine glass.

Scene 7: Nora's Front Porch

Penelope and Max are standing on the front porch. Penelope knocks on the door, then rings the doorbell. Nora's parents, Melba and Ramón answer with a bowl of candy.

MELBA: Okay, let me guess. The "kids" are in the car.

PENELOPE: No, no, no, Melba, hi! Soy Penelope Alvarez, la mamá de Alex. We've spoken on the phone a couple times. It's so nice to meet you in person.

MELBA: Ay, Penelope, qué gusto conocerte. Este es mi esposo, Ramón.

PENELOPE: Hola Ramón, ¿Cómo estás? This is my boyfriend.

MAX: "Me llamo es Max!"

Penelope shakes her head.

PENELOPE: (To Max) No, don't do that right now. (To Nora's parents) Hi! Qué bonita tu casa. Perdón, tengo que hablar con Alejandro. Alex, get out here right now! ¿Ustedes son de Puerto Rico?

MELBA: Sí, ¿cómo sabías?

PENELOPE: Qué me encanta el acento. (Laughs)

MELBA: Ay, gracias.

ALEX: What are you doing here? Why are you dressed like an old biker dude?

PENELOPE: I am Sandy from Grease-- You don't know who that is either. (Shows him the pregnancy test) Look, we need to talk about this.

MELBA: (Approaches them) And we would love to be part of that conversation. Norita! Ve pa' ca ahora mismo! She'll be out in a minute.

ALEX: Why are you showing me a pregnancy test?

PENELOPE: Oh, don't give me that crap you silver fox! We found this at home!

NORA: ¿Sí, mami?

MELBA: Norita, what were you doing at Alex's house today?

NORA: What? Nothing.

PENELOPE: (Holds out pregnancy test) Well then somebody explain this!

ALEX: It's not ours!

PENELOPE: Alex, we found it in the trash. It's not mine, it's not Abuelita's, not Elena's. How is it not yours?

ALEX: Because it's not, all right?

PENELOPE: What other explanation is there?

ALEX: It's impossible! (whispering) We haven't had sex, okay?

PENELOPE: Really? Look at me. (Gives him a hopeful look) No sex at all?

ALEX: Oh my God! No sex!

NORA: Just over the shirt stuff! You probably didn't need that information.

ALEX: Can we all stop talking about this now? Please?

PENELOPE: Yeah. Ooh. What a memorable first meeting, huh, Melba? (Laughs) I'm glad we figured this out without too much embarrassment, right? Mucho gusto, sí...

MAX: "Sí, mucho Halloween!"

PENELOPE: Hey!

MAX: Sorry! I took German in high school.

Scene 8: Alvarez Living Room

Dr. Berkowitz and Lydia are waiting at home. Elena and Syd enter.

DR. B: I thought you were out doing a political crusade.

ELENA: Oh, we tried, believe me, but sometimes you dress up to discuss the coming global disaster, but people think you're the Swiss Miss girl and mashed potatoes. But that's okay because this is gonna give us so much energy to fight harder tomorrow!

Elena dumps a huge bag of candy on the table.

SYD: Who knew Halloween was fun?

LYDIA: Literally everybody.

Penelope, Alex, and Max enter.

PENELOPE: Elena, is there any way this positive pregnancy test is yours?

ELENA: How many times do you want me to come out? You do know you need a man for that, right?

LYDIA: Excuse me, I think the Virgin Mary would clap back.

ELENA: Alright, well, I'm not pregnant.

SYD: Oh! For a second, they had me convinced. I mean, you are a saint.

PENELOPE: Well, this has to belong to someone! It didn't just appear by magic!

Schneider and Avery enter with fog coming from the hallway, Avery is dressed as Daenerys Targaryen and Schneider as a dragon from Game of Thrones.

EVERYONE: Oh my God! (They clap)

SCHNEIDER: No! Don't compliment us. We came in second. We lost to Elton John!

DR. B.: Oh, who was dressed as Elton John?

SCHNEIDER: No, we lost to Elton John, who was dressed as Garfield eating lasagna. It was adorable! (Max takes his costume's headpiece)

AVERY: (She sees Penelope holding the pregnancy test) Where did you find that?

PENELOPE: This is yours?

Avery nods. Penelope, Elena, Syd, Alex, Lydia, and Dr. Berkowitz give her a group hug.

ELENA: Congratulations!

LYDIA: Lovely!

SCHNEIDER: Why are you congratulating her? I told you, we lost!

Avery laughs while crying.

SCHNEIDER: Hey! Don't cry. "Hang in there!"

AVERY: (Walks over to him, teary-eyed) Okay. I didn't think I'd be telling you like this. That's why I put it in their trash because I wasn't sure how you'd react. I mean, it's not like we planned this. (Schneider sees the pregnancy test)

SCHNEIDER: So what are you saying?

AVERY: (Softly) I'm pregnant...

Schneider hugs her and smiles.

AVERY: So does this mean you're happy?

SCHNEIDER: Yes! Are you?

AVERY: Yeah!

They kiss.

SCHNEIDER: This is so much better than an iPad mini!

PENELOPE: Oh, congratulations, you two! (Penelope hugs Schneider)

LYDIA: Oh, yes, and we are here for you if you need us! And you will!

ALEX: I'm gonna be a tío.

ELENA: I'm gonna be a tía!

SYD: I'm gonna be a tí-x!

PENELOPE: Well, this calls for a celebration! (To Alex) Hey grandpa! Will you take us all out for ice cream? Let's keep the hair. It's silver but the jokes are golden.

THE END<< Previous Transcript Next >>