This is the transcript for "Perfect" the fifth episode of Season 4 of One Day at a Time.<< Previous Transcript Next >>
Scene 1: Alvarez Living Room[]
Elena is working on a poster when Penelope enters. Lydia is at the dining table.
PENELOPE: How's your essay going for Yale? Did you pick a topic yet?
ELENA: Um, I narrowed it down to a few options.
Elena holds up a poster board with several color-coded index cards with many written topics.
PENELOPE: Maybe you could just send the whole board and hope for the best.
ELENA: The website specifically said not to do that. But I can't get over how well-rounded I am. I mean, am I too interesting?
LYDIA: No.
ELENA: Okay look, each color represents a different aspect of my life that is essay-worthy. Like red is "Growing Up Cuban." And orange is "My Dad Abandoned Me But Got Into Recovery So We're Cool Now." And purple is just general gay stuff. General Gay Stuff is also my ranking in the lesbian army.
Alex enters.
ALEX: Sup, fam? I was just wondering how the planning is coming for my quinces.
PENELOPE: What the hell are you talking about?
ALEX: Oh well, I thought since Elena had a quinces, obviously I would also be given a party to celebrate my coming of age, this being a house of gender equality and all.
PENELOPE: (To Lydia) What the hell is he talking about?
ALEX: Hey, on the other hand, if it's too much trouble, you can just give me the cash instead.
PENELOPE: Oh! Okay. Now I understand. You want money. I thought you were woke. Turns out, you're just broke. I actually love the idea of throwing you a quinces.
ALEX: You do?
PENELOPE: I mean, you think it's a special day for you, but really, it's about what a great mom I am. I know you came in here trying to scam us for money, but congratulation, you played yourself. We're doing this.
LYDIA: Finally, a day we can focus on Papito!
ELENA: Oh my God! We're gonna break gender roles and have a quinceañero!
LYDIA: Whoo-hoo!
PENELOPE: I know! I get a mother-son dance!
LYDIA: And I get a mistaken-for-your-mother-son dance!
ELENA: (singing) Quinces, papito, quinces!
EVERYONE: (singing) Ah, ah! Quinces, papito, quinces!
ALEX: Okay, no! Stop! I admit it. I don't really want a quinceañero.
PENELOPE: Yeah, this isn't about you anymore.
EVERYONE: (singing) Quinces, papito, quinces!
ALEX: I just need 500 dollars, okay?
PENELOPE: Uh, wha—500 dollars?! Why?!
ALEX: For once, can't you just give me 500 dollars without asking any questions?
LYDIA: Papito, what are you thinking? Asking your mami for so much money? I'll give it to you. (She puts her hand in her shirt.)
PENELOPE: You know what? Actually, I would love to see you pull 500 dollars out of there.
LYDIA: Okay, I'm bluffing. I am bluffing-- but don't worry Papito. I will take it out of my savings account. I just need to grab my map and a shovel.
ALEX: It's fine Abuelita. Forget it. I'm sorry I asked.
Alex leaves.
PENELOPE: Should I be worried about that?
LYDIA: (Lydia reaches into her shirt) Oh wait, I do have money! (Pulls it out, laughs) It's a ketchup packet.
Intro plays
Scene 2: Schneider's Apartment[]
Avery and Schneider are in their apartment and hear a knock, so Schneider answers the door.
SCHNEIDER: Hey, Dr. B! What are you doing here?
DR. B.: I wanted to drop off an early baby gift. I know you're coming by for an ultrasound in a couple days, but I wanted you to have to this now.
SCHNEIDER: Our first baby gift!
AVERY: This is so exciting!
SCHNEIDER: I know! Thank you so much Doctor—
SCHNEIDER AND AVERY: Ah!!
Dr. Berkowitz is holding a creepy life-size clown dummy.
DR. B.: Meet Ruckus the clown! He's been in my family for years and I wanted to pass him onto you.
AVERY: I bet you did.
DR. B.: Oh, Ruckus watched over me when I was growing up. He was my confidant, he was my caretaker. And the best big spoon you ever spooned.
SCHNEIDER: Dr. B... Haha, we couldn't possibly take something so... obviously meant for you!
AVERY: Yeah, get that guy out here! Right now!
DR. B.: No, no, no, no, no. I've thought about this long and hard. Ruckus's cold, pale face is my first memory, and I want that for your child.
AVERY: I don't! ...know what to say!
DR. B.: I am so glad that you love him as much as I do! Oh, you know, you guys remind me so much of when Sophie and I had our first baby. So full of joy and hope. And then the baby's born and bam-- all gone. Hope and joy is replaced with fear and regret. Oh and then you start turning on each other. And that's when the lawyers start circling like hyenas around the rotting corpse of your relationship. (Schneider and Avery give him a blank stare, Dr. B. looks at his watch) Whoa! Got to go.
Scene 3: Alvarez Living Room[]
Alex enters. Penelope dramatically opens the curtains of Lydia's room.
PENELOPE: Welcome home!
ALEX: Aah!
PENELOPE: I get why she does this. It's a real power move.
ALEX: What are you doing back there?
PENELOPE: I'll ask the questions. Why do you need 500 dollars? Because I Googled "What does a teenage boy need 500 dollars for?" and it auto-filled with some really disturbing stuff.
ALEX: Just forget it. I'm over it.
PENELOPE: No, I'm not over it. I'm spinning out. I'm thinking "exotic pet deal gone wrong." I went on a whole subreddit about calf implants. Help me out!
ALEX: Oh my God, it's nothing bad. But you're gonna think it's stupid.
PENELOPE: At this point, I would love to think it's stupid.
ALEX: Okay. I want to take a class—in fashion design.
PENELOPE: Hahaha.
ALEX: See? I knew you'd think it was stupid.
PENELOPE: No, no, I'm just glad that we don't have to give Elena's room to a Komodo Dragon. No, Alex, I think that's great.
ALEX: You do?
PENELOPE: Yes. Why didn't you just tell me that?
ALEX: I don't know. It's not academic and I figured you might think it's a waste of money.
LYDIA: It is a waste of money! (Does the movement of opening the curtain until she realizes they are already open) Wait! Why are my curtains already open?
PENELOPE: What do you mean? You just opened them.
LYDIA: (Suspiciously) Okay, Pero Papito, why pay for a class when the world's greatest seamstress will teach you for free? I am talking about myself.
ALEX: Thanks Abuelita, but it's actually a class about street style.
LYDIA: Oh, I know the streets. How do you think I get to the farmer's market?
ALEX: Mami, help.
PENELOPE: Don't worry, I'm not gonna make you go through what I went through with her.
LYDIA: Excuse me?
PENELOPE: Do you remember when I wanted to take that hip-hop class? You said "Why pay for the class when the world's greatest dancer can teach you for free? I'm talking about myself."
LYDIA: I did teach you.
PENELOPE: There are no castanets in hip-hop, Mami!
LYDIA: Well if there were, it would be popular! Papito, imagine you and me wearing matching homemade street outfits!
ALEX: I am definitely imagining it.
PENELOPE: Don't worry Alex, you can take the class. But I'm not giving you the money. I am investing in the future of fashion, which is you. Oh, I can't wait to see you on Project Runway. Not as a contestant, as a judge. 'Cause that's how we do. Oh, plus I'm gonna look fly as hell, so I'm in!
ALEX: Oh my God thank you so much, Mami. You're the best!
Alex leaves and Lydia is surprised.
LYDIA: Well, I'll get my needle and thread so I can mend my broken heart.
PENELOPE: Do what you need to do, Mami. I have made up my mind. Alex is taking the class, y ya!
Penelope dramatically closes the curtains. She peaks through them.
PENELOPE: I love this!
LYDIA: What the hell is going on?
Scene 4: Alvarez Living Room[]
Elena walks in with her poster board.
PENELOPE: Oh, there's my little genius. How's the essay going?
ELENA: I got nothing! (She opens the poster to see it disorganized and with more cards placed erratically)
PENELOPE: What? This looks great! You're just a ball of red yarn from away from cracking this murder case.
ELENA: No, I stayed up all night writing 15 different essays only to discover that all of them sucked! I need Yale to fall in love with me and this will just make them file a restraining order.
PENELOPE: Oh, I'm sure it will be fine.
ELENA: Fine? Oh well, I should just get my GED and start backpacking! Okay, maybe I'll just go back to my first idea about how I want to put the I in environmental.
LYDIA: I think you put the mental in environmental.
ELENA: I can't even tell if that's a good idea or not. (Closes her poster) Okay yeah, no, I'm fine. Chaos is part of my process! (Leaves)
ALEX: Hey!
PENELOPE: Hey, how is your fashion class? When does your line come out so I can buy it a year later at Nordstrom Rack?
LYDIA: Yes, tell us what the strangers taught you.
PENELOPE: Show us, come on.
ALEX: Okay, it's just a simple pair of shorts. And it's my first project so don't get too excited.
PENELOPE: Ah! Alex! This is really good!
ALEX: Thanks.
PENELOPE: I mean, I knew you were crushing it, but damn, my investment is paying off already! Mami, didn't he do a great job?
LYDIA: Well, I wouldn't call it a "street style." You know who wouldn't be caught dead in these? Dr. Ake.
PENELOPE: Do you mean Dr. Dre?
ALEX: Do you mean Drake?
LYDIA: I said what I said.
PENELOPE: Keep up the great work. Nice job, and next week, I'd like to see a skirt for your mother, the woman who made this all possible.
ALEX: I'll see what I can do.
PENELOPE: Okay, haha...
Alex leaves.
PENELOPE: (sighs) Mami, you got to admit, this is pretty good.
LYDIA: I admit nothing. It's obvious he got his talent from me. Good clean lines, good stitching. Made in China-- How far away is this class?
PENELOPE: Alex didn't make these. He lied to us.
LYDIA: It's worse than you think. "Dry clean only."
Scene 5: Schneider and Avery's Apartment[]
Avery and Schneider are sitting on the couch reading pregnancy/parenting books with Ruckus the clown between them.
AVERY: Please tell me that's your hand on my butt.
SCHNEIDER: I was just thinking about what Dr. B. said.
AVERY: Oh my God, me too. Do you actually think he expects us to follow these bath-time instructions? (Holds out a packet)
SCHNEIDER: No, I was thinking about how he said his marriage fell apart after kids.
AVERY: Oh yeah, that freaked me out too. But that's not us. We're totally in love. We've never even had one fight.
SCHNEIDER: You're right.
Avery giggles and they try to kiss but end up kissing the clown by mistake.
SCHNEIDER: Why don't I get this guy out of here?
AVERY: Yes! Oh God! I have been waiting for you to say that. Oh just make sure no one sees it in the trash. I don't want it to get back to Dr. B. and hurt his feelings.
SCHNEIDER: Uh, why would I put him in the trash? I'm taking him to the baby's room.
AVERY: What? Oh, you're kidding. You—wait what?
SCHNEIDER: This guy's awesome! I can't believe Dr. B. was willing to part with him. Honestly, I feel safer.
AVERY: You are not putting that thing near our baby's crib.
SCHNEIDER: Of course not, you heard the doc. He's a spooner. He needs to be in the crib.
AVERY: He's a creepy serial-killer doll with polka-dot pants! And he smells like cheese!
SCHNEIDER: He smells like love! And a little bit like Camembert.
AVERY: Are we really having our first fight over a stupid antique clown?!
SCHNEIDER: No, we're having our first fight over my new best friend! Come on, Ruckus. (He carries the clown to the hallway and bumps its head on the wall) Ohh! Buddy, are you okay?
AVERY: He's not real!
Scene 6: Alex's Bedroom[]
Penelope enters Alex's bedroom.
PENELOPE: Hey bud! I just wanted to say one more time, great job. Really professional. Like something you'd find in a store.
ALEX: Thanks! You know, it took a lot out of me, so I'm just gonna take a nap. (Lays on his bed)
PENELOPE: Yeah, you thought of every detail! I mean, even a receipt?
ALEX: (Gets up) You found the receipt?
PENELOPE: Well, now I don't have to! If you were really taking the class, I'd have you make me a trench coat 'cause I'm freaking McGruff. Ruff ruff, ya busted!
ALEX: I'm sorry I can explain.
PENELOPE: Yeah, you better, because you lied to me!
ALEX: I quit the class. I decided I didn't want to go anymore. Don't worry, I got a refund.
PENELOPE: Why didn't you just tell me that? I wouldn't make you keep going to the class if I knew you hated it. I'm not Abuelita pounding out the counts to "No Diggity" with her chancletas.
ALEX: I didn't hate it. I loved it.
PENELOPE: Okay, now I don't know what's going on.
ALEX: I loved it, but I sucked at it, so I quit. And I bought the stupid shorts so I wouldn't have to have this conversation.
PENELOPE: So what was your plan? You were just going to keep buying clothes until I showed up to a fake graduation looking fantastic?
ALEX: I'm not saying it was a good plan, but that was that plan.
PENELOPE: Alex, relax. You only took one class. It's okay not to be perfect.
ALEX: Not in this family. I mean, everyone here is "killing it!" And a "badass!" And a "strong independent woman!" Abuelita came to this country with nothing and made a whole life for herself. You're a military veteran whose job is literally saving lives. Elena is gonna get into every Ivy League school and become the first doctor-lawyer-president. I'm just a dude with a great smile.
PENELOPE: Come on, you're good at lots of stuff.
ALEX: Not fashion. I mean, everybody else made a pair of shorts. I spent the whole class trying to thread the stupid sewing machine. I mean, I stabbed my finger with the needle so many times that I needed stitches, but I didn't know how to do them. So I figured that, if I'm not gonna be great, it's better not to do it, right?
PENELOPE: No, you got to keep doing it.
ALEX: But you already said I could quit.
PENELOPE: Yeah, that's when I thought you hated it. But now that I know that you love it, I expect you to work until you're miserable. You can't be afraid to fail. What, do you think I'm gonna love you any less because you're not perfect?
ALEX: I mean, I'd rather not find out.
PENELOPE: Oh, love. I'm sorry I never meant to make you feel that way. Look at me. It's okay to be bad at some things. Dare to suck! It's the first step to getting good. And if you love the fashion thing, you have to keep going back, and not be afraid to be bad at it for a while. Because you'll get better. We're all learning. It's a process.
ALEX: Okay. Thanks, mom. I'll go back to the class.
Elena enters, confused, and acting crazy.
ELENA: What's going on? I heard voices. Oh wait, they're not coming from in here.
Elena exits.
PENELOPE: Is this fire out? 'Cause mama's got a real inferno over there.
Penelope exits.
Scene 7: Doctor's Office[]
Avery is sitting on the doctor's bed while Schneider is standing near. They are waiting for Dr. Berkowitz.
SCHNEIDER: Are you insane? Peanut butter is not healthier than almond butter?
AVERY: Tell that to the bees, who work their little fingers to the bone so that you can have your precious AB&J.
SCHNEIDER: You wanna have a butter fight? Let's have a butter fight!
Doctor B. and a nurse enter.
DR. B.: Hey kids! Are we ready for the ultrasound?
AVERY: You "butter" believe it!
SCHNEIDER: Oh, don't you dare.
AVERY: You're the one who bought almond butter, I didn't even get a chance the weigh in.
SCHNEIDER: Well next time, you can do the online shopping. I'm exhausted.
AVERY: But—You're exhausted?
DR. B.: There's your baby.
AVERY: Oh my God. That's our baby! It's the most beautiful, tiniest blob I've ever seen. I'm sorry for everything.
SCHNEIDER: And I'm sorry too.
They kiss.
DR. B.: Oh, look at you two. If my marriage had one ounce of this love, Sophie and I might still just be separated.
SCHNEIDER: To be honest Dr. B., we've been on edge since you came over the other day and told us how kids ruined your marriage.
DR. B.: Oh yeah, I— (laughs) I totally misremembered that, no no no. Things didn't go downhill after we had kids. It was after my wife slept with her podiatrist. Ah, ironically, he swept her off her feet.
SCHNEIDER: What the hell, doc? We've been fighting all week since you said that.
DR. B.: Well, that's just crazy. You two are perfect for each other. And your baby's perfect too.
AVERY: Can you tell whether it's a boy or a girl.
DR. B.: Yes, of course. I'm a doctor.
Dr. B. leaves.
SCHNEIDER: I sort of did want to know. Hey but maybe it would be fun not to.
AVERY: You know, I agree.
SCHNEIDER: I'm sorry I got so worked up about Ruckus. I was such a lonely kid. I would've loved to have a buddy. Anybody.
AVERY: Now you have a buddy. Me. And our baby doesn't need a creepy stuffed companion. Cause they'll have us.
They kiss again and rub noses.
AVERY: (gasps) We did it! We got through our first fight!
SCHNEIDER: I can't believe I'm saying this, but—thank you Ruckus?
AVERY: Yeah. You know what the best way to thank him might be?
Scene 8: Hospital Break Room[]
Dr. Berkowitz enters, glances at Penelope's desk where Ruckus is sitting.
DR. B.: Hey, Penelope. Did you change your hair?
He realizes it's actually Ruckus.
DR. B.: Ruckus? (He reads a note) "I'm sick. Homesick." Oh, I miss you too, old fella. (He hugs Ruckus.)
Scene 9: Alvarez Living Room[]
Lydia is putting up a sign that says "LYDIA'S CURTAIN. DO NOT TOUCH." She clears her throat so Penelope sees it.
PENELOPE: Mami, do you think a sign is gonna stop me? I'm parking in a loading zone right now.
Alex enters wearing a jacket he made.
ALEX: Okay, class was great! And, this one I really made.
PENELOPE: It's good, you did good! You see? This is how you get better.
LYDIA: And I decided if I cannot be your teacher, I will be your model. I already slapped Naomi Campbell, but that's a story for another time.
Elena enters.
ELENA: Pin a medal on General Gay Stuff! I finally wrote the perfect college essay! My adviser said it was the best one she's read in years.
PENELOPE: That's amazing honey, congratulations! You see, look at us! We're all killing it. Although I'm gonna tell you, Alex, I'm a little bummed about us not having a quinceañero. Mostly because I was looking forward to that mother-son dance. But um...
Penelope turns on cool jazz music.
PENELOPE: Uh oh... Is there one starting now?
ALEX: Alright, I guess you deserve this.
PENELOPE: Mm, this, and you're gonna make me one of these cool jackets.
The jacket's sleeves fall off.
PENELOPE: Lucky for you, I can also rock a vest.
LYDIA: (Runs from the window) Lupita!
PENELOPE: What?
LYDIA: You are getting a ticket!
PENELOPE: Oh, crap!
Penelope runs out of the apartment.
LYDIA: There is no ticket.
Alex and Lydia dance.
MUSIC: If someone's jealous, I don't care about them. I used to study you from--
THE END
<< Previous Transcript Next >>
One Day at a Time Transcripts | |
---|---|
Season 1 |
This Is It · Bobos and Mamitas · No Mass · A Snowman's Tale · Strays · The Death of Mrs. Resnick |
Season 2 |
The Turn · Schooled · To Zir, With Love · Roots · Locked Down · Work Hard, Play Hard · Exclusive |
Season 3 |
The Funeral · Outside · Benefit with Friends · Hermanos · Nip It in the Bud · One Valentine's at a Time |
Season 4 |
Checking Boxes · Penny Pinching · Boundaries · One Halloween at a Time · Perfect |
Others |