Supermoon/Transcript

This is the transcript for "Supermoon" the sixth episode of Season 4 of One Day at a Time.

Scene 1: Alvarez Living Room

The Alvarez family is sitting at the dining table. Alex sighs loudly.

PENELOPE: Aw, what's wrong? Not having a care in the world getting you down?

ALEX: It's Nora's and my three-month anniversary.

PENELOPE, ELENA, AND LYDIA: Aww...

ALEX: And I want to take her out and do something nice.

PENELOPE, ELENA, AND LYDIA: Aww...

ALEX: So can I have forty bucks?

PENELOPE: Aww! No!

ALEX: Mom, please!

PENELOPE: (Holds twenty dollars) Here's twenty. Fold it in half and it looks like 40.

ALEX: But I want to do something really big and special.

ELENA: Aw, you heteros and your grand gestures to cover up your bad communication!

PENELOPE: Girls don't need all that, just be nice to her. Tell her she's pretty, it's classic. (Takes money back) And it's free.

LYDIA: If you're done giving bad advice, can I go? (Penelope leaves and Lydia sits down) Tonight there is a supermoon. You just take Nora's hand and look up and let the magic of the supermoon do the rest.

ELENA: Actually, the supermoon is just a regular moon that's in its closest position to the Earth's orbit, making the lunar disk look larger than usual.

LYDIA: Go before you catch this! Pero cuidado! The supermoon makes people do super-romantic things.

Scene 2: Roof

Schneider is stapling a poster up on the roof that says "Together Forever." Avery enters.

INTRO CARD

AVERY: This is so beautiful.

SCHNEIDER: I really outdid myself.

AVERY: If I wasn't already pregnant, I'd say, "Let's go make a baby."

SCHNEIDER: Oh, I can't wait to see our little Schnavery.

AVERY: Schnavery?

SCHNEIDER: Haha, do you love it?

AVERY: No, I hate it. But I love you.

SCHNEIDER: I love you two. I have never been so happy in my life.

AVERY: Oh, me too.

SCHNEIDER: Which is crazy because I literally own one of everything.

AVERY: I own three. Whoever said rich people can't be happy hasn't met us.

SCHNEIDER: If somebody would have told me ten years ago that I'd be sober and with the love of my life, I would have said, "Hey, bartender, you're not my therapist." I was always too scared to let anyone in. Figured if they saw the real me, they'd run for the hills. Or the ocean, depending on traffic. But you saw me. And you stayed.

AVERY: I'm always going to stay. Forever.

SCHNEIDER: Avery, I can't wait to have this baby with you.

AVERY: Then we have to have two more, 'cause you know, three of everything.

SCHNEIDER: Well I guess there's only one thing left for me to do. (Schneider goes on his knee) Clean up after myself. (He grabs his tool bag)

AVERY: I'll get the tape measure.

SCHNEIDER: Let's head back downstairs.

AVERY: Ah, you did such a great job on the rooftop. They're gonna love it.

Scene 3: Roof

Elena is on the roof and Syd opens the door.

SYD: I love it! Everything looks beautiful, especially in the light of the exactly-the-same-size-of-every-other-night moon.

ELENA: You know, scientifically speaking, the actual name of the supermoon is...

ELENA AND SYD: Perigee syzygy.

ELENA: I love when you talk nerdy to me!

SYD: Perigee syzygy.

ELENA: Ohh.

They kiss.

ELENA: I'm really so happy we're staying together for college. It takes a load off, and now I really can't wait until I'm at Yale.

SYD: And I can't wait until I'm at the equally prestigious Quinnipiac University. They call it the Yale of Connecticut. It's really is beautiful out here.

ELENA: Yeah... I wonder who did all of this. I mean, at least we get to use it. (Elena and Syd sit at the table.) Think of it as recycled romance. Great for the environment.

SYD: That's so hot. I mean, the Earth, but also you.

ELENA: So we're up here... Alone... Should we... You know... Watch the new episode of Batwoman?

SYD: Ruby Rose in a bat suit? Sign me up! I love how we're so open with each other about our crushes.

ELENA: Totally! Who else do you have a crush on?

SYD: Ellen Page, Halsey, Samira Wiley, Hermione Granger.

ELENA: Wow. Four people just flew right out. One on a broomstick.

SYD: Come on, you've got some too.

ELENA: Okay, I guess... Emma Gonzales and Janelle Monáe, and Tanya the barista.

SYD: Who's Tanya?

ELENA: That super cute barista that works at the coffee shop on the corner.

SYD: Oh, I thought we were doing celebrity crushes, not real people who work and/or live in our neighborhoods.

ELENA: I'm so sorry. I probably only have a crush on her because she gives me coffee. I just have a crush on caffeine.

SYD: Elena, it's okay. This is good.

ELENA: Yeah, look at us just freely talking about who we find attractive.

SYD: We're so evolved.

ELENA: Great!

SYD: Great!

BOTH: Great...

They hear footsteps.

SYD: Someone's coming.

ELENA: It's probably who all of this is for.

SYD: Will they be mad?

ELENA: Yeah, I ate all of these chocolate hearts before you got here.

Scene 4: Roof

Alex and Nora enter the roof.

NORA: This is so romantic! I can't believe you did all this for me.

ALEX: I did do all of this. I know how much you like flowers... And tablecloths. (sees the Together Forever banner) And wow, banners that are really banking on us making it.

NORA: Relax, you can't fold a twenty enough times to pay for all this.

ALEX: Sorry. I just brought you up here to look at the moon. I've been trying to figure out something special to do for our three-month anniversary.

NORA: You don't have to do anything special. Just like, be nice to me and tell me I'm pretty.

ALEX: I guess my mom knows how to get chicks.

NORA: What?

ALEX: Nothing. Nora, I think you're the coolest, prettiest girl I've ever known.

NORA: That works. Come here.

They kiss.

ELENA: Hold it!

The awning lifts, revealing Elena and Syd were under it the whole time.

ELENA: We were never here.

SYD: Enjoy the perigee syzygy!

They leave.

ALEX: I don't know those people. Where were we?

They kiss.

NORA: I think we were about to be over here.

They sit on the outdoor loveseat and make out for a few seconds. Then Alex gets up.

ALEX: I don't want to get a divorce!

NORA: What?

ALEX: Uh, I don't know. Forget I said it.

NORA: I can't forget it 'cause it was weird.

ALEX: Sometimes I just say random stuff! Two months ago, the In-N-Out cashier said "Have a good day," and I said "thanks mommy." I really freaked that dude out.

NORA: Come on Alex. What's going on? Dime.

ALEX: It's just... you know, there's like... sex, right? And then the next thing you know, you're married, and the you get a divorce, and then I'm a single mother struggling to have it all! I guess my parents' divorce kind of shook me up.

NORA: I get it. But not every marriage ends in divorce.

ALEX: That's true. My abuelos were madly in love. Always like, (imitating Lydia) "Ay, mi vida!" (imitating Berto) "Ay, mi amor!" I mean, she still goes on dates with him, and he's been dead ten years.

NORA: That's so sweet! Creepy but still really sweet. Anyway, there's nothing to worry about. We just started dating and we're definitely not having sex.

ALEX: Oh, we're not?

NORA: You just said you didn't want to.

ALEX: Yeah, but I'm good now.

NORA: You're cute.

They cuddle on the loveseat.

Scene 5: Alvarez Living Room

Elena is reading on the couch when Alex enters and heads towards the hall.

ELENA: So am I looking at a man now?

ALEX: Mom, Elena's being mean to me!

ELENA: Asked and answered. Come here.

Alex sits on the couch.

ELENA: Look, I just want to say that I think it's really cool that you set all that stuff up for Nora.

ALEX: I didn't set that stuff up.

ELENA: I knew it! You're not that smooth! Alright, but if you didn't do it, then who did?

ALEX: I don't know. I guess somebody is getting proposed to.

Penelope enters.

PENELOPE: Hey, you guys know pudding can last for a year? I'm gonna buy this in bulk. Oh, by the way, Max is coming over. He's super excited to take me to the roof to see the supermoon. That's all he can talk about, I'm like- easy nerd. It's just a freakin' moon.

ALEX: Wait, wait, wait. Max invited you up to the roof to see the moon?

PENELOPE: Yeah, I just said that. What, did you just get here?

ELENA: Well, it's just because this is all happening so fast! I just don't know how I feel about you going up to look at the moon.

ALEX: What are you talking about? She's got to go up there! This could be her last chance to see a moon!

ELENA: No! Forty is the new thirty! There will be plenty of moons! Jupiter has four!

PENELOPE: Okay. (Penelope leaves)

ELENA: I'm freaking out! Mom is about to get surprise proposed to on the roof. How do you feel about it?

ALEX: Max makes her happy. Not pudding-happy, but happy.

ELENA: And as far as cis white men go, you probably can't do better.

Penelope re-enters.

ALEX: Wait! Are you gonna go look at the moon wearing that?

PENELOPE: Yeah, why? Is there some sort of supermoon dress code?

ALEX: No, just maybe a little lipstick instead of the pudding you stole out of the earthquake kit.

PENELOPE: Oh... (wipes her face) I'm gonna replace it.

ELENA: Yeah, a woman shouldn't have to dress up just to satisfy a cultural ideal created by men for men!

PENELOPE: Exactly!

ELENA: Except for tonight.

Max knocks on the door and enters.

MAX: Hello.

PENELOPE: Hey you!

MAX: Hey!

They kiss.

MAX: So uh, you excited?

ALEX: Yes, you have our blessing!

ELENA: You're the best cis white guy!

Penelope and Max look at them like they are crazy.

Scene 6: Roof

Max and Penelope enter the roof.

PENELOPE: Oh, nice!

Penelope sees the decorations and looks confused.

PENELOPE: No! Hell no! No, no, never, no! Never! No! No, no, never! No! Never!

MAX: Whoa-

PENELOPE: No, I'm sorry, Max, I am! The decorations, they're beautiful, the flowers, the candle, oh my God, the freakin' moon! It's perfect! But I can't marry you! No, never-ever, like, never! Just to clarify, the answer is no!

MAX: Cool!

PENELOPE: Wow, you bounce back real quick.

MAX: Yeah, I didn't do all this. Do I look like the kind of guy that has to work this hard? (Sighs) No, I wasn't planning on proposing. I just wanted to come up to the roof. Maybe get some under the light of the supermoon.

PENELOPE: Oh. (laughs) That was almost awkward. But I like your plan, I do. I like it, let's go.

MAX: Yeah, uh, just wait a second. Now that you turned down my non-proposal, I'm uh-I'm wondering what it is about me that made you do a one-woman show about the word "no."

PENELOPE: Oh, Max, it's not like that. (They sit on the loveseat.) I made a promise to myself to never get married again. No matter what the circumstances. Even if I was lucky enough to fall in love again. I can't risk bringing someone into my home... and have it be torn apart. I won't put my family through that pain again.

MAX: Oh, babe. Okay.

PENELOPE: But I love you. You're so sweet, and charming, and great with my family. And you drive me crazy. You're perfect for me. You're the husband I never want to marry.

MAX: That's something I never thought I'd want to hear.

Penelope laughs, and they kiss.

PENELOPE: It's not like you want to get married anyway, right? You're too busy traveling around the world being this hot superhero medic whose power is stopping dysentery.

MAX: Well, actually, since we're being really, really... really honest. Uh, maybe we should talk about my job.

PENELOPE: Okay.

MAX: Look, when I took the job, I just needed to get out of the city. Everything here reminded me of you. But I wound up loving it. The thing is, I'm away a lot. And I can't promise you when that's gonna end. Is that okay with you?

PENELOPE: (sighs) So you're telling me you're here for a couple months, and then you're gone for a couple months?

MAX: Yeah, pretty much.

PENELOPE: That's like my dream!

MAX: Mine too. Split my time between my two great loves. You, and dysentery.

Penelope laughs and kisses him.

PENELOPE: See? You are like my supermoon. Every couple months, you come around and light things up.

Max stands up, gets on one knee.

MAX: Penelope... will you agree to never live together, never take my name, never file joint taxes, but hang out with me a lot when both of us want to?

PENELOPE: I hate that we're on the same eye level. But yes. Yes, yes, Max! A thousand times yes!

Elena and Alex enter, thinking she is saying yes to a proposal.

ELENA: Mami, congratulations!

ALEX: Hey, welcome to the family!

They join a brief group hug.

ELENA: Can I be your person of honor? 'Cause I was thinking we could go to the Museum of Tolerance for your bachelorette party.

PENELOPE: Ooh, sounds like a rager! I'm sorry guys. Max and I are not getting married.

ALEX: It was the sweatpants, right?

PENELOPE: Max and I love each other very much and we are deeply committed to each other. But we're never getting married. Like never. It's never ever. We're n-

MAX: Yeah, they get it.

PENELOPE: Okay.

ELENA: Okay, but if Max didn't do this. And neither did we, then, who did? Because something romantic is going down.

They hear footsteps.

PENELOPE: Well, someone's coming.

ALEX: Hide!

Alex runs towards the awning but Elena stops him.

ELENA: No, no, not in the awning! There is a giant spider in there. We locked eyes!

They hide behind a big solar panel. Lydia and Dr. Berkowitz enter.

LYDIA: (Gasps) Ah! Ah! Haha! Leslie! Oh, oh, oh! Perfect! I waited so long to do this!

We see Penelope, Max, Alex, and Elena under the solar panel looking very concerned.

DR. B.: Oh, I'm just glad we're finally going to do it. Are you sure you're ready?

LYDIA: I am ready!

PENELOPE: (Whispering) Should we just jump off the roof?

LYDIA: Leslie, help me take this top off.

Penelope peaks out and sees Dr. Berkowitz struggling to open something.

DR. B.: It's really snug!

PENELOPE: No, mami! Keep your top on!

Lydia and Dr. Berkowitz scream. The others get up from under the solar panel.

LYDIA: What are you doing? Do not scare an old man like Leslie like that!

Penelope sees Dr. B. holding a gold-colored urn.

PENELOPE: Are those Papi's ashes?

DR. B.: Yes, and this top is hard to get off.

Schneider and Avery enter.

SCHNEIDER: I heard voices. Are we starting?

LYDIA: Yes, come in! I was about to call you all to come up here! And Schneider, the roof is perfect. Than you. Thank you for helping Leslie decorate.

SCHNEIDER: Hey, there's nothing we Alvarezes won't do for each other.

PENELOPE: Mami, what is going on? I thought you and Dr. Berkowitz scattered Papi's ashes in Cuba.

LYDIA: Yeah, well, that was the plan. But after we got there, I couldn't do it. It was not the Cuba that I remember. Everything was still there. But it wasn't home anymore. I guess I wanted to walk into a photograph. But you never can. Berto wanted his final resting place to be at home and I realized that wherever we are is home. Berto belongs with us, aquí.

PENELOPE: That's beautiful, mami. I'm so glad you're doing this up here.

LYDIA: Actually, it was Leslie's idea to spread Berto's ashes in the rooftop garden.

DR. B.: Since the first day I met Lydia, she always spoke so lovingly of Berto's perfect zucchini. At first it made me uncomfortable. And then I realized she was talking about his garden. And I thought this is the place he should be.

PENELOPE: Papi loved coming up here. Hey stayed for hours, planting flowers, growing vegetables. Even at night, I'd find him working up here. I know it in my heart that this is where Papi would want to be.

LYDIA: (Hands Alex the urn) Papito, empieza.

ALEX: Abuelita always says I remind her of you. I get it. You were a good looking man. I'm gonna try really hard to live up to who you were. (He scoops some ashes and drops them into the garden) Te quiero.

ELENA: (Takes the urn) I wish you could see me now, Abuelito. I mean, you were old-fashioned. But you loved me, and I know you would have accepted me. And it makes me miss you even more. (She scoops some ashes and drops them into the garden) I love you.

The urn is passed to Penelope.

PENELOPE: I miss you everyday, Papi. But you never feel far away because I see you in the kids. Papito's smile and Elena's spirit. You're always there. You'll always be with us. (She scoops some ashes and drops them into the garden) Te quiero, Papi.

LYDIA: (Takes the urn and sits at the edge of the garden) My dearest Berto. There is nothing I would not do for you. Juntos, para siempre, mi amor. (She sprinkles his ashes into the garden) You can rest now. You are home. I'll see you tonight.

Elena, Alex, Penelope, and Lydia embrace each other. Schneider approaches.

SCHNEIDER: Papi, papi, papi.

PENELOPE: We're done.

THE END