The Funeral/Transcript

This is the transcript for "The Funeral," the first episode of Season 3 of One Day at a Time.<< Previous Transcript Next >>

Scene 1: Alvarez Living Room

Penelope walks in, holding three pizza boxes. Elena and Alex seem to be comforting Lydia on the couch.

PENELOPE: (sing-songy) Who-who-who-who-who-who-who- Who bought one pizza and got two free? That's me! Ha ha! That's me! Ha ha! (normal) What? You hate pizza now? Or was it the song? Please say pizza 'cause I feel like that jam really worked.

LYDIA: It's your Tía Ophelia. She's dead.

PENELOPE: Oh, my god, Mami. That's terrible. Who is she again?

ELENA: We can't remember either. Okay, is she the tía that always wears yellow?

PENELOPE: That's Tía Big Bird.

ALEX: Is she the one that always finds new ways to insult you?

PENELOPE: Pfft! That's Tía Bitchy. So none of us can remember who she is?

Schneider enters.

SCHNEIDER: Oh, Tía Ophelia! What a tragedy. We danced all night at Elena's quinces. She had scarlet fever as a child and lost her right eye.

ELENA: Ophelia was the tía with the eye patch!

ALEX: Tía Jack Sparrow!

PENELOPE: Aha! I called her Tía Blackbeard, but then that got confusing because we have another tía with an actual black beard. (They laugh, Lydia approaches, serious) Sorry. At least we'll get to see the family at the funeral. Everybody will be there. Mimi, Maruchi, Rosita, Tío Juanito, Baby Juanito, and now his baby Gordito Juanito.

LYDIA: Aah! It'll be good to see everybody. Except, of course, La Diabla.

SCHNEIDER: Ooh, there is a Tía Diabla? Sounds hot.

ELENA: She's Abuelita's little sister, Mirtha.

PENELOPE: Who Mami has been mad at for 20 years because of a stupid mantilla. Mami, Mirtha said she doesn't have it.

ALEX: That's because-

LYDIA: She's a liar.

ALEX: But didn't you-

LYDIA: Rightfully accuse her of having it all these years? Because she does. Go comb your hair.

ALEX: I don't have to. (Lydia messes with his hair) Ahh! (Alex runs to his room)

SCHNEIDER: So, what's a mantilla? Is that like a trans-tía?

ELENA: No. But I like that I'm in your head. A mantilla is a lace veil that's passed on from bride to bride in our family, and you stitch the couple's name into it.

LYDIA: It's a Spanish tradition. That is why we will never speak to Mirtha and her family ever again. Right, Lupe?

PENELOPE: No. This ends now. As a matter of fact, I'm hosting the reception after the funeral here.

LYDIA: La Diabla at my house? She will never make it past that cross!

PENELOPE: Mami, the only thing we're burying at this funeral is your feud and Tía Amelia.

EVERYONE: Ophelia!

PENELOPE: Aye! Whoever!

LYDIA: How can you not take my side? Family is everything. You have to hate my sister!

PENELOPE: I am sick of this old-lady beef. Come on. This cost me my relationship with Estrellita.

SCHNEIDER: (To Elena) That's Mirtha's daughter, your mami's cousin.

PENELOPE: She used to be my best friend. She even taught me the entire choreography to Janet Jackson's "Rhythm Nation" video, (dances) which got me mad props in the Army.

SCHNEIDER: I don't think those are Janet's moves.

PENELOPE: Shut up. We improvised. You know what, Mami? If you don't settle this feud, I'll tell the whole family you had a stroke.

LYDIA: [gasps] Then they will think I'm old.

PENELOPE: Well, then you agree. You don't want your name changed to... Tía Any-Day-Now.

Scene 2: Funeral Home

The family enters the funeral home and greet an older woman.

MONICA: Penelope, linda.

PENELOPE: Hi, Tía.

MONICA: I see you're still enjoying your mother's tostones.

ELENA: Haha, hi, Tía.

MONICA: Hello, Elena. Still just the one eyebrow?

ELENA: I guess that was Tía Bitchy.

PENELOPE: Yeah.

ALEX: I need to hide. This funeral is like The Walking Dead of tías. I mean...

ELENA: Oh, oh, oh. There's Tía Pilar. I've always wondered if she's gay.

LYDIA: Elena, you think everyone is gay. Pilar is just eccentric. She rides a motorcycle. She owns seven cats. She shares a one-bedroom apartment with her long-time roommate, Susan. How is that gay? Okay.

(Lydia walks away)

ELENA: Mami, what's that?

PENELOPE: All right. Pilar is definitely gay, but nobody talks about it. Everybody's like, "Well, you know Pilar. She's just..." (Shrugs)

ELENA: That is so offensive.

PENELOPE: It is? (Elena nods) Oh, it is. I'm woke.

ELENA: This is ridiculous. I'm just gonna ask Pilar if she's gay. Someone in this family needs to accept her. And I can shepherd her out of the closet and into the light.

ALEX: Like a lesbian Jesus?

ELENA: I love that. Because I have long hair, and I'm a really good carpenter, and I look really good in Birkenstocks.

PENELOPE: Hey, baby, nobody looks good in Birkenstocks. Besides, it's none of our business, and it would be rude to ask, so don't. Okay?

ELENA: Okay.

Elena sits on a chair. Schneider sits next to her.

SCHNEIDER: Looks like you need a man on the inside to get you intel on Pilar. A double-o seis.

ELENA: Double-o six?

SCHNEIDER: Uno, dos, tres, cuatro... Whatever! The point is, I know Spanish, but nobody expects it from Tío Handsome Gringo. So I'll get you the goss. Or chisme as we fluents call it.

Schneider leaves.

ELENA: You are not fluent, Schneider!

MONICA: Neither are you.

Lydia and Penelope see a woman enter.

LYDIA: There is my sister. La Diabla herself. With her lizard eyes, and her vulture claws, and her gray roots.

MIRTHA: (Turns around) I am here! Ophelia, you can now finally rest in peace.

LYDIA: I could take her.

PENELOPE: Mami, you said you were going to apologize.

LYDIA: Ay, okay. I'm going in.

LYDIA: Mirtha!

MIRTHA: Lydia!

PENELOPE: Estrellita.

ESTRELLITA: Hi.

PENELOPE: Oh, God! There's so much to catch up on. I got divorced. Stronger now. I tried the Brazilian Blowout in '07. Did not like the upkeep.

ESTRELLITA: What are you doing?

PENELOPE: Just rocking my natural curls. You don't like it?

ESTRELLITA: No. I mean talking to me. We're not allowed. It's not safe.

PENELOPE: Okay. It's okay. I talked to Mami. She's fixing everything right now, and we're going to be able to hang out just like old times.

MIRTHA: If she gets close to the coffin again, I'll push her in!

ESTRELLITA: Really?

PENELOPE: No. I don't know what just happened. But, uh, this ends today. We will be together again.

ESTRELLITA: Don't make promises you can't keep. And I love your curls. Always have, always will.

PENELOPE: Mami, I thought you said you were going to apologize to Tía Mirtha.

LYDIA: Paciencia. This will all be over soon.

PENELOPE: Yeah, I don't like that.

Elena approaches Pilar.

ELENA: Hi, Pilar.

PILAR: Elena. How are you, honey?

ELENA: I'm gay. I came out at my quinces.

PILAR: Yeah, I know. I was there. I jump started your mom's car off my truck. So, how's school?

ELENA: Well, as a gay student, it's going great. I started a GSA, a gay-straight alliance, because no one should ever feel ashamed of who they are... which is gay.

PILAR: That's great, mija.

ELENA: So, how are you?

PILAR: Well, my aunt just died, so...

ELENA: Right. Right. Right.

PILAR: Oh, look, anyone else.

Lydia approaches the coffin and tries to stuff the mantilla in it. Pilar approaches.

PILAR: Poor Ophelia.

Lydia hides the mantilla in her purse, pretends to cry, and pulls out a handkerchief.

PILAR: I know, I know. Oh, sequin eye patch. Nice touch.

Pilar leaves. Lydia approaches Alex.

LYDIA: Papito. There are too many people around. It's time to do what we talked about.

ALEX: No! Please, there must be another way.

LYDIA: There is no other way. Vete.

Alex stands by the side and makes an announcement.

ALEX: Does anybody want to see pictures of me at Homecoming? Me and the Cuban girl who I will probably marry. (Many tías flock around him) Don't touch the hair!

MONICA: She looks Puerto Rican.

Penelope sees Lydia stuffing the mantilla in the casket.

PENELOPE: [whispers] Mami. You had the mantilla this whole time?

LYDIA: No, she had it!

MIRTHA: Ay, Ophelia. You were the only one who could ever truly see me. (Sees the mantilla) Thief.

LYDIA: Ophelia had the mantilla all this time? Ha! It makes sense. Do you know... she had her eyes on it for a long time until 1952, then she had her eye on it.

MIRTHA: Ay, Lydia, all these years I blamed you.

LYDIA: Oh, and I blamed you for blaming me, but can you blame me?

MIRTHA: I would say I'm sorry, but I cannot without hearing our mami calling me weak from her grave. Te quiero, Mami.

LYDIA: And I am sorry too, and I also will never say it out loud.

MIRTHA: All is forgiven.

PENELOPE: Hug it out, viejitas! We're back!

ESTRELLITA: Oh, my God! There's so much to talk about! Cage started a new school, magnet. Dead tooth, fixed. In '07, I also got a Brazilian... down there. Never again. So, now I'm rocking my natural curly too.

PENELOPE: Oh, God! I missed this so much.

ESTRELLITA: Me too.

MIRTHA: What are you doing?

LYDIA: Obviously, we don't want the mantilla to go down in the dirt with Ophelia.

MIRTHA: You're right.

LYDIA: Yeah.

MIRTHA: Our great-grandmother got married... and executed in it.

LYDIA: That was quite a quinces.

MIRTH: Oh, yeah.

Scene 3: Alvarez Living Room

Everyone is at the reception in the Alvarez apartment. Schneider is listening in on Susan and Pilar, who look concerned when they notice. He leaves them. Elena approaches Schneider.

ELENA: Did you get any chismes

SCHNEIDER: No. Everyone speaks Spanish so much faster than on my tapes. I did hear something about Pilar moving to Tampa though.

ELENA: What? No! She's probably moving because the family doesn't accept her. I have to do something about it. She's the only other gay in the family.

A young child-aged boy approaches Elena.

FLAVIO: Elena, can I borrow your ChapStick? Pero if it's not Fenty by Rihanna, then I don't even want to look at it.

ELENA: Not now, Flavio.

Flavio storms off.

Estrellita and Penelope are in the kitchen dancing.

PENELOPE: We might be Cuban, but we're still citizens of the Rhythm Nation.

ESTRELLITA: Is it weird we are dancing at a funeral?

PENELOPE: It's a Latino funeral. It'd be weird if we weren't dancing.

ESTRELLITA: We didn't always nail it, but we could sell it with confident face. Also the face we used to sneak into R-rated movies.

PENELOPE: Do you remember what happens after this?

ESTRELLITA: We steal wine coolers from our parents and kiss magazine pictures of Leonardo DiCaprio.

PENELOPE: Yeah! I forgot how much fun we had together.

ESTRELLITA: Best years of my life.

PENELOPE: You know, I still have all the letters your wrote me while I was in the Army.

ESTRELLITA: You do?

PENELOPE: Yeah. 'Cause they mean a lot. I had some really rough nights when I'd be under the covers, crying, and I would just take out one of your letters, start reading it, and it would feel like you were right there next to me, making me laugh and telling me that everything was gonna be okay.

ESTRELLITA: Wow. I can't believe I have my best friend back.

PENELOPE: Me too.

Mirtha is telling everyone something in the living room.

MIRTHA: I was in the hospital for a week.

PENELOPE: Ay, Mami, I can't tell you how happy I am that our family is back together again.

LYDIA: I want to kill Mirtha. She's bragging about her little cancer scare.

PENELOPE: Cancer is scary, Mami.

LYDIA: Oh, it was nothing. Mimi told me that she had a mole removed that looked like a Tic-Tac. Now look at her go.

MIRTHA: And then I told God, "I would rather die than lose my beautiful locks," and God said, "Nobody knows this, Mirtha, but on the seventh day, I wasn't resting, I was creating your hair." And the next day, the cancer was gone.

LYDIA: The nerve of her making a big deal of her cancer. I had a stroke!

PENELOPE: Well, Mami, you could tell people if you wanted.

LYDIA: Never. I would not be caught dead having a stroke. Pero Mirtha... Oh, Mirtha needs all this attention. I'm surprised she's not singing. (Lydia hangs her head in her hands.)

MIRTHA: And now I would like to honor Ophelia with a song. (Singing) Ave Maria!

LYDIA: Dumb payasa. She sings like a donkey. Voy a darle un cocotazo.

Lydia approaches Mirtha.

PENELOPE: Mami, no! Mami, no!

MIRTHA: Lydia, won't you join me in this song?

LYDIA: Well, I don't know if I can sing as beautifully as you do.

MIRTHA AND LYDIA: (Singing) Ave Maria! Gratia plena!

While they sing, Elena approaches Pilar, who is in the kitchen, pouring herself a cup of coffee.

ELENA: Hi!

PILAR: Really don't pick up on social cues, do you?

ELENA: So, I wanted to apologize for earlier because I was going on and on about myself, when really I'd like to know more about you. You and Susan. You have been friends for a long time. Are you thinking you might do, like, a friendship ceremony sometime soon? Maybe you can have something old, something new, something borrowed, and something flannel?

PILAR: What are you getting at, Elena?

ELENA: Okay, so... I just feel like maybe you can't live your life as who you really are because you're afraid of what the family might think. Am I right?

PILAR: Okay, I have been hiding something.

ELENA: Come on out, sister.

PILAR: (Pilar pulls out a Star of David necklace.) I'm Jewish.

ELENA: What? How are you Jewish?

PILAR: I converted for my wife, Susan.

ELENA: Oh! I see what you did there! You got lesbian jokes! No, but really. I'm so excited that we can talk about this. And I'm so sorry that you've had to keep being gay a secret for so long.

PILAR: Oh, it's not a secret. I'm out to the family. It just does not stick. My mom keeps telling them I'm afraid of men because I was attacked by a man in college.

ELENA: Oh, my God.

PILAR: Oh, no. It was not a man. It was a squirrel, and it was female.

ELENA: Okay. So your mom needs to stop making up these stories. You should go out there right now and come out to the entire family. Make them accept it.

PILAR: Elena. Mira, these viejitas, they're not gonna change. And, honestly, I don't care. I know that they love me. Look, I know how being gay goes, right? When you first start to figure it out, it's like, "Oh, no, I might be gay. And then it's like, "Oh, I'm gay." And then it's like, gay, gay, gay! Rainbow underwear! But eventually, you realize you're just a person, and it's really empowering not to have to be defined by... who you want to make out with.

ELENA: Oh, wow. I might be the lesbian Jesus... but you're a lesbian God.

PILAR: Yes, I have been called that before.

ELENA: Well, I don't want to lose touch with you when you move to Tampa.

PILAR: I'm not moving to Tampa. Susan and I are just going on vacation to Busch Gardens.

ELENA: Yeah, you are.

She holds her hand up for a high five. Pilar pulls it down.

Lydia and Mirtha finish singing.

LYDIA AND MIRTHA: Ave Maria!

PENELOPE: Oh! I am so happy that stupid mantilla crap is behind us.

ESTRELLITA: Right?

PENELOPE: Yes.

ESTRELLITA: Where is it anyway?

PENELOPE: It's in Mami's bag. Don't worry, we'll keep it safe.

ESTRELLITA: Oh, you know what? We can just take it. I didn't have it at my wedding and I'd love to get mine and Juan's name stitched in it.

PENELOPE: Oh, okay. And then you'll just give it back after?

ESTRELLITA: Oh, are you getting remarried?

PENELOPE: I mean I could... but my kids are the oldest and the next in line to get married, so it just kind of makes sense.

ESTRELLITA: Does it?

PENELOPE: What does that mean?

ESTRELLITA: Well, Elena is, you know... (Shrugs)

PENELOPE: Excuse me? Because your son Flavio is... (Shrugs)

FLAVIO: Seriously, this whole apartment is yellow? Somebody give Tía Divorce a color wheel.

ESTRELLITA: Hand over the mantilla, Penelope.

PENELOPE: Make me, Tía Gray Tooth.

ESTRELLITA: gasps I got it fixed!

PENELOPE: It doesn't match.

They begin fighting over the mantilla.

ESTRELLITA: I got it.

PENELOPE: You better give that back!

ESTRELLITA: No, never! I am getting mine and Juan's names on here, and taking yours and Victor's off!

PENELOPE: What?

ESTRELLITA: She couldn't keep him tied down. Why should the mantilla?

EVERYONE: Oh!

SCHNEIDER: Oh, that was nasty! Te la juro! You know what? Monica is no longer Tía Bitchy. You are.

PENELOPE: Ha!

MONICA: Who calls me Tía Bitchy?

MIRTHA: Tell her to let go. That mantilla belongs to us.

LYDIA: I had a stroke!

ESTRELLITA: What?

PENELOPE: I got it!

LYDIA: Así! Oh, oh, oh. I am sorry. I meant I had a stroke of genius.

PENELOPE: Mami, there are no names stitched on here.

LYDIA: What? No. This is not a mantilla.

ESTRELLITA: She's right! This is just some random piece of lace.

MIRTHA: So, you stuffed some worthless piece of caca into the casket with Ophelia?

LYDIA: You knew?

MIRTHA: Of course, I knew. No one gets buried with a mantilla. We're Cubans, not ancient Egyptians.

ESTRELLITA: So who has the real mantilla?

LYDIA: Well, La Diabla obviously.

MIRTHA: Mentirosa! You have it.

LYDIA: How dare you call me mentirosa when you walk around acting like that is your hair color?

MIRTHA: Oh! Well, at least I can still salsa... (dances) without breaking a hip.

LYDIA: Well, I'll admit that you are light on your hooves. But I would like to show you what that step looks like when you don't have feet like a chupacabra. (Dances)

PENELOPE: Eso!

MIRTHA: Just admit you have the mantilla.

PILAR: Wait. The mantilla is what you all have been fighting about?

EVERYONE: Yes!

PILAR: I have it. Susan and I used it at our wedding. (Off their confusion) You were all there.

MONICA: That was a wedding?

LYDIA: I just thought it was a very affectionate barbecue.

Everyone shrugs.

ELENA: Oh, my God!

MIRTHA: So, we've been fighting for over 20 years about nothing?

PENELOPE: We should all be ashamed of ourselves. Look at what this has done to us. Mami, you lost your sister. I lost my best friend.

LYDIA: Yeah, Lupe is right. I have missed you, Mirtha.

MIRTHA: I've missed you too, mi hermana.

LYDIA: I was in a coma because I had a stroke.

MIRTHA: gasps

LYDIA: I know. I'm sorry I didn't tell you.

MIRTHA: Ay, pucha! I'm so glad you're okay. Let's put this all behind us. Who knows how much time we have left? After all, I had cancer.

LYDIA: You are right. Even though a coma beats cancer.

PENELOPE: If there's one thing we can take from Ophelia's death is that life is too short. We shouldn't spend it fighting. Yeah, we're gonna have differences, but what does that matter? We're family. Okay? Familia para siempre.

EVERYONE: Sí.

ESTRELLITA: I am so glad we're good again. Promise me that we'll keep in touch.

PENELOPE: Of course, because we love each other too much to let anything get in between us again.

ESTRELLITA: I wanna make a toast. To Ophelia. At least she got to see our President make America great again.

PENELOPE: I'm sorry. What?

THE END