This is a transcript for the animated special "The Politics Episode of One Day at a Time.
Scene 1: Alvarez Living Room[]
Alex, Schneider, Penelope and Elena are in the living room. Lydia comes in.
LYDIA: Great news! Chago's daughter Margarita is getting baptized, and we're all invited!
PENELOPE: Oh, yeah!
ELENA: That's so sweet!
SCHNEIDER: Oh, I love it, I got the perfect suit!
PENELOPE: Oh, that baby’s so cute! Her name is Alice but they nicknamed her Margarita because that’s how she got made.
SCHNEIDER: Question. Has Chago picked a godfather, and can I throw my nombre[1] in the hat?
ALEX: Oh my God!
PENELOPE: Are you Cuban? Are you family? Are you Catholic?
SCHNEIDER: I’m two out of three.
PENELOPE: You’re none out of three!
LYDIA: Estrellita and her family are coming in from Miami, which means Mirtha is coming. Which means I have to spritz the place with holy water because she is La Diabla.[2]
She spritzes Febreze, which startles both Schneider and Penelope.
SCHNEIDER: Oh, um...
PENELOPE: What’s happening?
SCHNEIDER: Yep.
LYDIA: This is just Febreze until I can get the real stuff.
ELENA: I thought you settled the mantilla feud and you’re all good now.
ALEX: No! Tia made a comment about Abuelita’s croquetas[3] being dry, and now it’s back on.
LYDIA: You know what will be dry? Every eye at her funeral!
PENELOPE: Yeah, but your ridiculous vieja[4] feud isn’t gonna be the problem this time.
ALEX: What is?
They imagine Mirtha, Estrellita, Juanito, and Flavio in the living room, wearing red hats.
JUANITO, ESTRELLITA, MIRTHA, FLAVIO: Make America great again! Make America great again! Make America great again!
ALEX: Oh… That’s right.
INTRO PLAYS
Scene 2: Alvarez Living Room[]
ELENA: Because they’re like us, I always forget they’re like that.
PENELOPE: Okay, as long as we stay away from politics, it will be fine! It’s a baptism! We don’t have to talk during the service! And afterwards we’ll gossip about how Chago and Valentina got married 7 months ago and Margarita is a miracle baby!
LYDIA: What will we do after? Because they are of course staying with us.
PENELOPE: What? No! Mami, I know they’re family, and-
ALL: We don’t send family to hotels, like los americanos fríos.[5]
LYDIA: Good, so you get it.
PENELOPE: We have to make an exception this time! The only way to keep the family together, is to keep the family apart.
LYDIA: Well if they cannot stay with you, they will stay with me.
The guests are all sleeping on Lydia’s bed. Mirtha is on the floor.
LYDIA: Night, night, Mirtha. I hope the floor isn’t as hard as your bistec empanizado.[6]
MIRTHA: If I wanted to hear screeching from an old bag, I’d play with this zipper!
LYDIA: You know what I wish had a zipper? Your mouth!
LYDIA: They have to stay, they are family!
ALEX: I’m with Abuelita! I hope the Reyeses stay as long as they want. I love Tío ATM.
PENELOPE: Tío ATM?
ALEX: That’s what I call Tío Juanito.
ALEX: How great is it being Cuban?
JUANITO: ¡Eso, papito![7] (Gives him money)
ALEX: He gives me twenty dollars every time I say something he likes.
PENELOPE: This is all a disaster!
SCHNEIDER: Just keep it light. Talk about non-controversial stuff, like the weather.
PENELOPE: Gotta love this LA weather, huh?
ESTRELLITA: Thank you, “global warming.”
ALEX: Maybe try sports.
ESTRELLITA: How dare that football guy disrespect our troops by kneeling down peacefully?
SCHNEIDER: How about movies?
ESTRELLITA: If you have a penis, use the men’s room!
ALEX: Why would that come up?
PENELOPE: It always comes up!
ELENA: I still think the Reyeses should stay with us!
PENELOPE: What? You of all people should be against it. You disagree with them about everything!
ELENA: True, I mean, when I came out to Tío, he said…
JUANITO: You just haven’t met the right boy yet, Elena!
ALEX: That’s because they don’t make them like you, Tío!
JUANITO: ¡Eso, papito![7] (gives him money)
ELENA: But they’re voters in Florida, a swing state, so we cannot let them leave until December. (thunder clap)
PENELOPE: No! Politics and family do not mix! And that’s why I’m putting my foot down! The Reyeses can’t stay with us, y ya![8]
(cell phone chiming)
LYDIA: Too late! They just landed. They’re on their way here. Y ya, y ya!
PENELOPE: Just landed? The baptism is next week!
LYDIA: They are coming earlier to have a mini vacation and do all the things they can’t do in Florida: go to the beach, visit Disneyland, see an orange grove.
PENELOPE: You are literally describing Florida! This is terrible. It’s just gonna be a week of fighting and yelling.
ALEX: Yeah, how is that different from any other week?
SCHNEIDER: Oh my God! Can I please fix everything?
PENELOPE: Oh boy.
SCHNEIDER: What I love most about you guys is how you talk about everything. Every sigh, every light exhale, like what’s going on there? Family meeting. Love, love, hugs, hugs!
ELENA: Why are you telling us things we already know?
SCHNEIDER: Because it’s a huge mistake in this situation. Let my wildly dysfunctional family be your guide. Just don’t talk to each other.
LYDIA: That is impossible.
PENELOPE: Yeah. Mami sometimes Facetimes me while I’m peeing.
LYDIA: And that is only because I am cooking because otherwise, I would just walk in.
SCHNEIDER: You gotta retrain yourselves. Father and I have spent weeks without saying a word to each other. He once left a Post-It note on my door that said: “I’m not sure you’re mine.” I saved it and look at it whenever I think I might love him.
ALEX: And everybody should do that?
SCHNEIDER: Yes, because then you won’t fight. See, you keep the feelings inside. Where the only person they can harm is yourself.
Penelope imagines the whole family sitting at the table, eating and being quiet, trying not to say anything while a whistle that sounds like a teapot is heard. Elena’s glasses break. Everyone’s head explodes except for Juanito’s. Alex comes in.
ALEX: Those explosions remind me we need a strong military!
JUANITO: ¡Eso, papito![7] (gives him money)
PENELOPE: Yeah, keeping it inside doesn’t work for Cubans. We have to say everything, then keep saying it louder until asked to leave the restaurant.
SCHNEIDER: No, you just gotta push it down deeper so you die of an ulcer instead of an explosion.
PENELOPE: Ha! Yeah, no. Maybe you should go back to your apartment now since this is a family issue that doesn’t include you.
SCHNEIDER: (a whistling noise can be heard) See? Totally works. (his glasses break, he holds his stomach) Hmm! God... I hate... My father! (As he leaves the apartment, an explosion is heard from the hall)
LYDIA: Lupita, you are worried about nothing. Families have disagreements but that does not mean we cannot be polite.
PENELOPE: Polite? Ha! What’s that look like?
They imagine the family is in the living room, all wearing royal clothes and speaking in British accents.
ESTRELLITA: I say, I’m quite nervous that you and your liberal ilk are going to confiscate my musket.
PENELOPE: Balderdash and poppycock! Of course you’ll retain your blunderbuss!
ELENA: Crumpets!
ALEX: I’m hearing rumblings from the colonies about this Hamilton chap.
JUANITO: Pip pip, my good Papito! (gives him a coin, Alex puts it in his mouth)
Alex and Elena laugh.
LYDIA: What?
ELENA: I think you’re confusing politeness with Britishness.
ALEX: And you think Tía Mirtha is going to be polite back?
LYDIA: Hm…
MIRTHA: Lydia, can I borrow your lipstick? I want to see what the color looks like on full lips.
LYDIA: She used the whole tube! Is it my fault she has the bemba[9] of a pufferfish?
PENELOPE: So we’re screwed.
LYDIA: No, we will just have to settle this the old fashioned way. A talent contest!
The living room has a blue banner that says “LYDIA’S GOT TALENT” and a microphone. Mirtha is singing.
MIRTHA: (singing) Everybody loves me! They tell me I’m so lovely! Compare my voice to that of the angels! There’s no one like me. That’s what they say!
Lydia comes over and pushes her out of the way.
MIRTHA: Ugh!
LYDIA: (singing) I am the one who has all the talent! My beauty’s epic, so hide your talons! Because this contest, I’m gonna slay!
Mirtha pushes Lydia out of the way.
MIRTHA: I understand why you get so jealous.
Lydia pulls Mirtha down.
MIRTHA: Oy!
LYDIA: Why would that be? I get all the fellas. Aah!
BOTH: I am gonna kick your ass!
They both fall down on the floor.
GLORIA: Ladies and gentlemen, it is I, Gloria Estefan. And the winner is: Lydia!
MIRTHA: But-- (Lydia pushes her) Oy!
GLORIA: She is the best dancer, the best singer, and I don’t know what her moisturizer regime is, but she looks like a baby. And her lips are the fullest.
MIRTHA: But Gloria Estefan! People always say I remind them of you.
LYDIA: Dream on, loser. Our queen has spoken.
LYDIA: (dancing and vocalizing) Gloria Estefan!
PENELOPE: What is even happening?
ELENA: Why would Gloria Estefan be here?
LYDIA: Because everyone knows that if a Cuban closes her eyes and swishes her hips three times, she appears.
PENELOPE: Okay mami, you’ve lost your mind.
LYDIA: Well, I had a little rum, this is very stressful. (Drinks rum)
ELENA: Mom, face it. There is no avoiding politics so we may as well try to talk some sense into them.
PENELOPE: No. Our two families were fighting for so long, and we just got back on track. I don’t want to mess that up. So no politics, end of discussion.
ELENA: Okay, but they’re going to talk about it. And if we say nothing, you better be okay with what’s going to happen.
ESTRELLITA: We won again! Four more years!
MIRTHA: And they’ve perfected the artificial heart, so he will live forever, and be president forever!
ALEX: If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it!
JUANITO: ¡Eso, papito![7] (he starts spitting money out)
ALEX: Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes!
PENELOPE: Okay, if there has to be a fight, then we’re gonna win it.
LYDIA: (drinks rum) Y ya.[8]
Scene 3: Alvarez Living Room[]
PENELOPE: So we’re gonna argue politics? Let’s do this! How do I do this?
PENELOPE: Hey cuz! You still like the comemierda[10] you voted for? Yeah? Well either get your head out of your ass or get the hell out of my house.
Estrellita, whose head is literally in her ass, hops out the door.
ESTRELLITA: See you at Christmas.
ELENA: Love the attitude! But you need some ammo to back it up.
PENELOPE: Right! I gotta hit her with facts. Give me some facts.
PENELOPE: Hillary got three million more votes!
ESTRELLITA: Hillary runs a pedophile ring out of a pizza parlor! And the pizza isn’t even good!
PENELOPE: The ice caps are melting and the sea levels are rising!
ESTRELLITA: First there’s a drought, now there’s too much water? Make up your mind!
PENELOPE: Even your guy had to admit that Obama was born in America!
ESTRELLITA: Mmm. Of course he was. (winks)
ELENA: Oh, sorry. I forgot to tell you. Facts don’t matter anymore.
PENELOPE: What?
ELENA: Yeah, they had a good run. But it turns out people want to believe what they believe more than they want to believe what’s actually true.
PENELOPE: Is that true?
ELENA: Does it matter?
LYDIA: Qué barbaridad.[11] (drinks more rum)
ELENA: Unfortunately, what you have to do now is go negative.
PENELOPE: What happened to “when they go low, we go high?”
ELENA: Yeah, that went out the window with facts. So, what dirt do you have on Estrellita?
PENELOPE: Hey Estrellita! Remind me, was it ‘96 or ‘97 when you had that pregnancy scare?
ESTRELLITA: (gasps)
MIRTHA: (gasps)
LYDIA: (chuckles softly)
PENELOPE: You didn’t hate Planned Parenthood back then, did you?
ESTRELLITA: At least I wasn’t on a first name basis with the nurse who gave out the free condoms!
PENELOPE: (gasps)
LYDIA: (gasps)
MIRTHA: (giggles)
ESTRELLITA: How about that summer you taught me all about mouth stuff using a cucum--
PENELOPE: Nope! Bad plan! We gotta stay above the freight. We are a classy family and we’re gonna stay classy, damn it!
Lydia drinks more rum. Penelope groans and sits down.
ALEX: You know we just had an assembly at school about conflict resolution? These two kids were filming a fake fight for TikTok and then it turned real.
PENELOPE: Oh yeah, they sent an email about it that I skimmed and deleted. Go on.
ALEX: Okay it’s got three steps. First, you ask a non-threatening question, then you listen to the person’s response. Then, you find common ground. Ask, listen, find. ALF!
ESTRELLITA: I hate ALF. Just another illegal alien in our country.
PENELOPE: Okay tell me how it works but don't call it ALF.
ALEX: We need an issue to use as an example.
PENELOPE: Let’s start with the thing I know best.
ALEX: Nineties boy bands?
ELENA: All the places to get something free on your birthday?
LYDIA: How to not wear lipstick but still succeed?
PENELOPE: Dang, I’m good at a lot of things. But I was talking about healthcare.
ALEX: Okay, so ask a neutral question.
PENELOPE: So obviously, everyone should have healthcare, right?
ESTRELLITA: Okay, MSNBC.
ALEX: Wow, mom!
PENELOPE: What was wrong with that?
ALEX: You jumped down her throat! You totally assumed she would care about other people!
PENELOPE: Right, right! Good, this is good. Keep going!
ALEX: It’s got to be a completely uncontroversial question!
PENELOPE: Being healthy is good, right?
ESTRELLITA: Oh yes! If you don't have your health, what do you have? Of course, if we had socialized medicine, then we’d all be dead! Did you know that in Canada, a lady had to wait eight years for a liver transplant, and then instead, they gave her a breast implant? (She holds her phone, which has a picture of a lady with three boobs) I saw it on Facebook!
LYDIA: I bet her husband loved it! (Elena, Alex, and Penelope stare at her) Where is the lie?
PENELOPE: And I respond to the crazy, how?
ALEX: You find common ground.
PENELOPE: Okay...
PENELOPE: We… are both on Facebook!
ALEX: Good! Keep going! Find more common ground!
PENELOPE: And uh… you’re upset about unnecessary medical procedures!
ESTRELLITA: Exactly!
PENELOPE: Great! So we both want to live in a world where we prioritize good healthcare that doesn’t cost too much! Agreed?
ESTRELLITA: Agreed.
They nod.
ESTRELLITA: Speaking of healthcare, I’m gonna forward you a meme about how Obamacare paid for a caravan of illegals to get free nose jobs. It’s a big problem.
PENELOPE: Ugh…
PENELOPE: Well, what do I do now?
ALEX: Agree to disagree.
PENELOPE: Agree to disagree? So she gets to say all her nonsense, and I just have to be nice about it?
ALEX: Yeah, because this takes years. My teacher says this is what they use in the Middle East.
PENELOPE: I don’t have years! There are Cubans in an Uber right now! We still have no plan! (sighs) This is so much harder than I thought!
ELENA: Changing people’s minds about politics is hard. How did you think it was going to go?
PENELOPE: And that’s why I believe what I believe.
MIRTHA: Thank you for opening our eyes with that beautiful speech!
JUANITO: ¡Eso, Lupita! America!
MIRTHA: I can’t believe we ever voted for that person!
ESTRELLITA: What fools we’ve been! And Boyz II Men is better than NSYNC! And I was always jealous of your curly hair!
PENELOPE: It could happen! Right?
ELENA: Oh mom. No, it’s not gonna go anything like that.
PENELOPE: Well then, it’s gonna go like this.
Penelope and Estrellita are in a physical fight.
PENELOPE: I’m gonna drain your swamp!
ESTRELLITA: Bring it, snowflake!
MIRTHA: Stop fighting! Here, have some of my arroz con pollo.[12]
LYDIA: More like arroz con caca![13]
Lydia knocks it out of her hands and fights Mirtha. Penelope is choking Estrellita.
ESTRELLITA: But her emails!
Penelope is on the floor, choking nothing. Elena, Alex, and Lydia watch her, surprised.
ALEX: Uh…
ELENA: Uh…
PENELOPE: Oh, were screwed.
Scene 4: Alvarez Living Room[]
There is a knock on the door. Penelope sees the guests.
PENELOPE: Oh, it’s been so long. Let me get a good look at you.
She disintegrates them with laser eyes.
ELENA: Well, you can’t do that.
LYDIA: She is right. Fire will only make Mirtha stronger.
Schneider enters.
SCHNEIDER: I’ve got it! Let’s move! I’ll have the whole building air-lifted and we’ll start a new life in Vancouver. You guys will be so cool as the only Latinos there! Hiya!
PENELOPE: You mean, y ya?
SCHNEIDER: What did I say?
LYDIA: Okay, okay! They can stay in a hotel!
PENELOPE: Mami, that’s very big of you! But it’s too late.
LYDIA: Good! Because I already changed my mind again in shame!
ELENA: I, for one, am glad. This is important. Mom, if we want things to change, then isn’t it on us to talk to the people that we love? Even if it’s hard.
PENELOPE: I know baby. But we’re just so far apart on this stuff. I just can’t imagine what they’re gonna say.
ELENA: I think I might be able to piece it together. If we’re being generous, the things they care about are actually the same things we care about. I read this thing, and it’s like…
ESTRELLITA: Let’s say I’m trying to get to San Diego. There’s a train going to New York and a train going to Phoenix. Neither one’s ideal, so I pick the one that’s closer to where I want to go. That’s how I feel about this president. Whatever else happens, he’s going to appoint Supreme Court justices who are going to finally protect the lives of unborn babies.
Is this guy perfect? No. Do I want him to come over to my house for dinner? God no! But be honest. Politicians are all terrible in some way so you have to find the ones who will do what you want. And come on! You’re telling me your guy is your first choice? Everything you ever dreamed of? I don’t think so. Look, our parents sacrificed so much for us to be Americans. So when I hear about free college and free healthcare, my shield goes up. Because that’s what Castro promised. We all know how that turned out.
And I don’t care about the president’s personal life. I care about what he’s gonna do so I can keep my personal life. The world is a scary place and there’s hard decisions to be made. And we don’t like to think about that! But it can’t always be about your feelings and wanting to be nice to everybody! That’s why as much as it hurts my Christian heart, we can’t just say “everybody come on!” That’s why we need a tough guy! He may be a bully, but he’s our bully. And he won, so get over it! It’s not my fault he was opening cans of whoop-ass while all your candidates majored in gender studies! The world may be crazy right now, but you and I are safe. Because he’s keeping us safe...
ELENA: ...and that’s what’s important to me.
PENELOPE: Dang, you’re good. Like, I was actually nodding during some of that.
ELENA: I know! I kind of scared myself!
ALEX: So mom, if she says that, what are you going to say back?
PENELOPE: Well…
PENELOPE: Wow, I am so stunned that we’re looking at the world and seeing such different things. You think he keeps you safe? He mishandles every crisis that comes his way. Look at Puerto Rico. A hurricane. Earthquakes. The whole island without power. And that guy comes and he throws a bunch of paper towels and then he’s like “bye!” Now imagine something happening on a global scale. Something so huge it completely shuts everything down! And we’re stuck waiting for someone to lead us while we watch episodes of our favorite TV shows but now they have to be animated! I know, it sounds crazy! But look into my eyes and tell me that that’s the guy who will get us through it.
Remember when we used to joke about this stuff? “I’m a crazy liberal, you’re a stuffy conservative. Hahaha!” I miss that. Us being on opposite sides isn’t new. But now it’s different. This guy made it different. People used to actually try to hide their racism. But the president made it cool again. We have to stand up for one another. Now more than ever. That’s why we need to say black lives matter, trans lives matter, brown lives matter. When he calls Mexicans drug dealers and rapists, you think that doesn’t affect you? Do you think if your son was in that Walmart where the guy said he was there to shoot all the Mexicans, he would have stopped to ask if Flavio was Cuban before pulling the trigger? He wouldn’t have cared.
Because the president told him immigrants are dangerous and don’t deserve to be here. You want to keep us safe? How about not deporting people who fought for this country. Who served with me. Risked their lives for you. Crazy idea. What if when people came to this country, we were like “Oh, are you fleeing a horrible situation? Please come on in. It’s all good. Love your food, love your music. Anyway, we’re gonna give you a little help. Oh God you’re doing amazing! You’ve actually made this place better.” Oh wait, that’s not a crazy idea. That was literally us when our family fled Cuba. How quickly we forget! America is great because we don’t just fight for ourselves. We fight for people we will never meet. Just like when our parents came here. Strangers organized their trips, arranged for them to be safe. Strangers. we can’t benefit from the kindness of strangers and then turn our backs on the ones who need us to stand up for them. Because that's what kept us safe. And that’s what’s beautiful about this country.
PENELOPE: That’s what’s in my heart.
ELENA: Oh, mom. (they hug) You are ready.
ALEX: ¡Eso, mami! (gives her money)
PENELOPE: Thanks. I still wish there was a way we didn't have to talk about this. But now I know I can.
There is a knock.
LYDIA: Who is that? Are we expecting someone? Oh, that’s right. I have had a little rum. (Holds an empty rum bottle)
PENELOPE: Okay. We can do this. I know they’re nuts, but they’re family, and we love them.
Mirtha, Estrellita, Juanito, and Flavio are standing in the hallway.
ESTRELLITA: Okay. We can do this. I know they’re crazy liberals, but they are family, and we love them.
Penelope opens the door.
EVERYONE: Hi! (Indistinct talking)
Everyone has a group hug.
END.
Translations[]
- ↑ nombre: name
- ↑ La Diabla: She-Devil
- ↑ croquetas: croquettes
- ↑ vieja: old lady
- ↑ los americanos fríos: the cold Americans
- ↑ bistec empanizado: breaded steak
- ↑ 7.0 7.1 7.2 7.3 Eso, papito: That's right, Papito.
- ↑ 8.0 8.1 y ya: and enough.
- ↑ bemba: slang term for mouth/lips
- ↑ comemierda: shit-eater
- ↑ Qué barbaridad: Good heavens
- ↑ arroz con pollo: rice with chicken
- ↑ arroz con caca: rice with poop
| One Day at a Time Transcripts | |
|---|---|
| Season 1 |
This Is It · Bobos and Mamitas · No Mass · A Snowman's Tale · Strays · The Death of Mrs. Resnick |
| Season 2 |
The Turn · Schooled · To Zir, With Love · Roots · Locked Down · Work Hard, Play Hard · Exclusive |
| Season 3 |
The Funeral · Outside · Benefit with Friends · Hermanos · Nip It in the Bud · One Valentine's at a Time |
| Season 4 |
Checking Boxes · Penny Pinching · Boundaries · One Halloween at a Time · Perfect |
| Others |
The Politics Episode |