To Zir, With Love/Transcript

This is the transcript for "To Zir, With Love," the third episode of Season 2 of One Day at a Time. Previous Transcript Next >>

Scene 1: Alvarez Living Room

Lydia and Penelope are in the kitchen. Elena and other people enter the apartment.

ELENA: (To her friends) It's gonna be so good! It's gonna be amazing!

LYDIA: Sounds like Alex is home.

PENELOPE: Oh no, Mami, that's Elena.

LYDIA: But I hear friends.

PENELOPE: Hey Elena, who are all these peeps? What's up peeps?

ELENA: Okay, so stop saying peeps.

PENELOPE: Oh, 'cause Peeps are candy chicks used to celebrate Pagan fertility, and women are more than just baby-makers? I get it.

ELENA: So maybe don't say anything. Anyway, this is the advocacy group I was telling you about. The Feminist Gamers of Echo Park. We've been hanging out online and this is our first meeting IRL.

PENELOPE: Welcome. What's everybody's name?

DANI: I'm Dani. My pronouns are she and her.

SYD: I'm Syd, my pronouns are they and them.

MARGAUX: I'm Margaux, pronouns ze and zir.

PENELOPE: I'm Penelope, my thoughts are huh and what? Seriously, what is happening?

ELENA: Well, because some people are gender non-conforming, they have certain preferred pronouns.

LYDIA: Ah, I am Lydia. Pronounced "Lee-dee-ah."

ELENA: We're going downtown to protest the release of a new video game.

MARGAUX: Blood-splosion Six.

PENELOPE: Oh, I guess you think it's too violent, huh?

ELENA: No, we love that part.

DANI: When you create your avatar, there are only two gender non-binary characters.

SYD: And the advertising strongly suggested there would be three.

PENELOPE: Okay, just, you know, be careful.

LYDIA: Don't worry, I'll be watching them.

ELENA: Why would you be watching Syd?

LYDIA: I meant you.

ELENA: My pronoun is her.

LYDIA: (points to Dani) I thought she was her.

ELENA: We're both her.

PENELOPE: When you say her, you mean them?

ELENA: (points to Syd) No, they is them. Stop making this confusing.

Alex enters, sees Elena's friends, and does a head nod.

ALEX: Sup?

LYDIA: Ay papito, you are barking up so many wrong trees. (Leads him to the kitchen)

PENELOPE: I love all the activism, but make sure it doesn't affect your homework. Because you need to--

PENELOPE & ELENA: --Build up (your/my) transcripts and crush the PSATs!

PENELOPE: Wha? Yeah! (high fives) That's my girl!

ELENA: Okay everybody! When we get there, she takes her team to the stairs, ze takes zir team to the parking lot, and they take their team to the corner. He, she, they, and ze will all meet up and the fair-trade coffee shop between the two Starbucks. Got it?

DANI, SYD, BERNARD: (In unison) Got it!

MARGAUX: Let's march!

The group leaves the apartment.

PENELOPE: (To Lydia) She must have practiced that.

Scene 2: Hospital

Penelope is in a hospital working. A group of paramedics enter with an injured person on a gurney.

MAX: We got a stabilized GSW.

PENELOPE: Start one liter normal saline bolus wide open prep room two, page a trauma team!

NURSE PRACTITIONER: Hey! I say all that!

PENELOPE: Sorry. Nurse practitioner in training, it's my first day. I'm a little nervous.

NURSE PRACTITIONER: Don't let it happen again. (To the paramedics) Do everything she just said.

Penelope writes on a clipboard at the desk. The team leaves, except for one, tall, handsome paramedic stays when he sees Penelope.

MAX: Penelope Alvarez?

Penelope turns around.

PENELOPE: Oh my God. Max Ferraro? Oh my God! (they hug) I can't believe you're here! The last time I saw you was in Kabul, right?

MAX: Yeah, at the field hospital! The one where they turned the mess hall into a salsa club on Thursday nights.

PENELOPE: Yeah, that's right. The Kabul Cabana. Have you always been this tall?

MAX: Ah, you haven't seen me in a while. Had a growth spurt at forty. (laughs) It's great to see you!

PENELOPE: Yeah! (walks to the other side of the desk)

MAX: So, how are ya? How's Victor?

PENELOPE: Uh, Victor, he um... We're divorced. He's in Afghanistan doing the contractor thing. How's Amber?

MAX: She's in Altadena, doing our contractor. Anyway, we're divorced.

PENELOPE: Sorry to hear that.

MAX: Yeah, same. We should, um, get together after work sometime. Catch up.

PENELOPE: (Looks at him in disbelief and laughs) Uh... look I'm gonna be real with you. Because you are cute. Uh, it's not gonna happen. You know, between work, my two kids, and school, I don't have any free time. Until I graduate, this is my social life.

NURSE: Nurse Alvarez. We need you deal with that anorectal abscess.

PENELOPE: Saturday night came early. I gotta go drain a butt.

Scene 3: Alvarez Kitchen

Alex, Lydia, and Dr. Berkowitz are in the kitchen. Dr. Berkowtiz gives her a grabber.

DR. B: Here you go, Lydia. A little gift to grab those hard-to-reach items. Opens a cabinet.

Lydia uses it to grab a box of Triscuits.

LYDIA: Magnificent!

ALEX: Wow, so when I get older, will I be easily-amazed too?

LYDIA: Shh, papito! Leslie has been so helpful!

Lydia leaves to the living room.

ALEX: That's true. Now Abuelita won't need you to come over and get jars down from the top shelf.

Dr. Berkowitz breaks the grabber.

DR. B: Oops.

They fist bump. Elena and her group return.

ELENA: Oh my gosh!

LYDIA: So, how it did go?

ELENA: Amazing!

DANI: We delivered a powerful message and we were heard!

ELENA: Dani was honestly, inspirational!

LYDIA: So, you got them to change the video game?

ELENA: No, there was no one in the building because it's Saturday.

DANI: A security guard said if we came back next week, we can tour the building and get T-shirts. And we will wear them... ironically!

ELENA: Yay, us!

LYDIA: This calls for celebration. Why don't I cook some food for your friends?

ELENA: That's a great idea! Do you guys want to stay for dinner?

SYD: Sure!

MARGAUX: Yes!

DANI: Oh, you guys have fun, but I gotta go!

ELENA: So then everybody should probably go! We can meet up next week! Bye!

DANI: Bye.

MARGAUX: Bye.

The group leaves. Dr. Berkowitz and Alex watch from the counter.

DR. B: What a nice group of... human people friends. I heard about the pronouns thing. Now I'm terrified to speak.

Elena approaches Lydia.

ELENA: Why are you smilling?

LYDIA: I think somebody has a crush... on "her!"

ELENA: Dani? No, I don't! I don't even know her! You have a crush on her!

LYDIA: (Laughs) No, no, no, when it comes to detecting romance, I am like cousin Aurensio at the beach with his metal detector.

ELENA: So you found nothing and you're sweating through your shirt?

LYDIA: Don't be bashful. I think it is fantastic to be young, and in love, and to flirt. And by the way, I can teach you things because your flirting... (laughing) is de madre.

ELENA: I wasn't flirting. And we're not talking about this. Besides, Mom says I'm too young to date.

LYDIA: But never too young to flirt! (Dr. Berkowitz and Alex enter from the kitchen, Berkowitz is carrying a plate of snacks) When I came out of my mother's womb, I winked at the doctor!

DR. B: I guess you always had a thing for doctors, huh? (Gives her the plate)

LYDIA: Eh, I got over it. (Places the plate on the coffee table) I will teach you to flirt. If they say something clever, laugh loudly, throw your head back, and reveal your perfect neck. (Laughs at Berkowitz)

ALEX: (To Alex) I'm a fan of the specific compliment. (To Lydia) I really like your shirt. It's a great color on you.

LYDIA: ¡Gracias, papito! (laughs nervously)

ELENA: Will you two stop flirting with each other? It's beyond creepy!

Penelope enters.

LYDIA: Oh welcome home! We are flirting! Qué fun!

PENELOPE: Oh, mami, when are you not flirting? Are you doing your famous- (Turns her head, laughs, reveals neck) Hahaha!

LYDIA: Classic! That's how I get pork loin at half-price.

PENELOPE: Wait, what's going on?

LYDIA: Elena has a crush.

Elena gets up, walks away frustrated. Penelope turns her back around.

PENELOPE: A crush? Nuh-uh. No. I don't need to remind you that while you're in school, there is no time for dating.

LYDIA: Lupe, don't crush her crush.

PENELOPE: (scoffs) You're the one who taught me this! You and Papi constantly made me focus and school and I hated it too but it ended up being a good thing! And know I pass the annoyance on to you. Elena, I'm sorry, but you can't date.

ELENA: Fine, can we be done now? (Tries to leave again, Penelope pulls her back)

PENELOPE: Look, people get crushes. Maybe you see this person and instantly your knees get weak and your brain starts to melt, and you think "Maybe I'm not dead inside. Why did I wear granny panties today?" You can't think of anything else because you want them so much. Well, too bad! We shut that crush down! Because we don't let anything get in the way of our education. Even maldito crystal blue eyes!

LYDIA: Oh, you are so strict. And very specific.

PENELOPE: I don't care. School comes first. Dating comes never.

ELENA: Okay, whatever!

Elena leaves.

LYDIA: Ay Lupita. Elena can't help it if she has feelings. Besides, flirting can be fun and it doesn't hurt anyone.

Lydia pets Dr. Berkowitz's arm and he meows. Penelope looks at them in disgust.

Scene 4: Hospital

Penelope is working at her desk when Max enters.

MAX: Hey there. Did you get through your second day okay?

PENELOPE: Yep.

MAX: How did all that butt stuff go?

PENELOPE: You mean, was I successful in satisfying the requirements for my clinical studies? I was.

MAX: (Confused) Okay? You, uh, heading home?

PENELOPE: No, I'm going to the club. (Does a dance move, then gives him an annoyed look)

MAX: Why are you being mean to me?

PENELOPE: (face softens) I don't know.

Moments later, Penelope and Max fall on a red bedsheet, both exhaling. Max is shirtless and Penelope has a sheet on herself. Penelope looks shocked.

PENELOPE: Oh my God... Por el amor de Dios.

MAX: Yeah, I liked it too.

They laugh, look at each other, and smile. When he looks away, Penelope looks shocked again.

Scene 5: Schneider's apartment

Schneider is on his couch playing with a grabber when Penelope enters.

PENELOPE: Oh my God, I did a bad thing! I mean, it was good. It was real good. But bad, bad! It was such a huge mistake! (sits down)

SCHNEIDER: Oh, I've seen this before. (Clears throat) Sex, drugs, or Cheesecake factory?

PENELOPE: I met a guy at work, and I slept with him.

SCHNEIDER: What is that? Like a Make-A-Wish thing?

PENELOPE: No! What? No! (Gets up) But it was wrong! And I'm freaking out!

SCHNEIDER: Okay, okay, okay, come here, come here. Just sit down. Just walk me through what happened.

PENELOPE: Paramedic I new from way back. I mean, he's, he's a really good guy. But I don't know him well enough to do that--

SCHNEIDER: Yeah, I'm not interested in the boring history of your friendship. I was thinking more, "We met in the ER. He gave me ten ccs of hot--"

PENELOPE: No, I'm serious, Schneider! I have never... I have never done anything like this before. I have a strict seven-date policy.

SCHNEIDER: Well, this is the second guy you've hooked up with in twenty years. Maybe it's time to update that policy. Dating has changed since the 1800s. Guilt, shame, and regret are things of the past. Be sex-positive, girl!

PENELOPE: I'm a mother. I'm sex-negative.

SCHNEIDER: I'm dating a mother. You know her, Nikki.

PENELOPE: Finn's mom?

SCHNEIDER: Yeah!

PENELOPE: Ugh!

Nikki comes in the hallway behind them.

NIKKI: Hello, Penelope.

PENELOPE: Hey, hi! Oh my God! I didn't mean anything.

NIKKI: Oh please, my self-esteem is bulletproof. (points to Schneider) Obviously.

SCHNEIDER: I was just telling Pen about our sitch.

NIKKI: Oh, yeah. It's great. I come over, tell him to do stuff to me, he does it, I go home. You should get one.

PENELOPE: Oh, no, no. That's okay.

SCHNEIDER: I think what Nikki was kinda dancing around, is that you don't always have to have a relationship with a capital R. Sometimes all you need is what the great poets of the Renaissance called-- a junk buddy.

NIKKI: Exactly. You don't even have to like them. (Schneider puts his arm around her) Hands. (He takes his hands off)

PENELOPE: Ah, see, I don't want that. I can't have sex without love.

NIKKI: Oh. That's so sad.

Penelope leaves.

Scene 6: Alvarez Living Room

Elena is doing homework. Alex comes from the kitchen.

ALEX: So, are you gonna ask Dani out? (sits down)

ELENA: What? No! It's just complicated, okay!

ALEX: I get it. You don't have a crush on Dani and you don't want to talk about it. (Tries to leave, Elena stops him)

ELENA: Okay, I do have a crush! I do! I do! I do!

ALEX: Whoa, act like you've been there.

ELENA: I haven't been there! The pool of local lesbians my age is not that big! They could all fit in one pool!

ALEX: It'd be a pretty sweet pool.

ELENA: (gets up) I just... I assumed that coming out was going to be the difficult part. But now that I like someone, I just... I don't even know if Dani's gay. What if she's not? I don't want to be the gay girl who asks out a straight girl! That's such a trope! (Sits on the couch)

ALEX: Huh... (stands up and walks to the couch) Gay dating sounds tricky. I just toss out a couple of "sups" and see who responds. Being a straight dude is the best.

ELENA: What I'm really afraid of is that... I'll ask Dani out and she'll give me one of those... "Oh..."

ALEX: What does that mean?

ELENA: It means, "I'm not gay and you think I am and now we have a situation."

ALEX: You got all that from oh?

ELENA: I'm just scared. What if she runs away or something?

(Lydia opens the curtain to her room)

LYDIA: So instead, you are running away?

ELENA: Abuelita, can't a girl have a moment of privacy?

LYDIA: I live behind a curtain. When are you going to understand this? Elena, love must be bold.

ELENA: Well, I'm not sure I should be bold! I have been told by more than a few people that I'm... "a lot."

LYDIA: Who?

ALEX: Mostly you.

ELENA: It's always been easy for you guys. What if no one ever likes me?

LYDIA: (sits down) Ah, well it has not always been easy for me.

ALEX: What?

LYDIA: (dramatically stands up) Havana, 1958. I was madly in love with a young boy from the country, Flavio. We were both fourteen. And he looked so majestic on that tractor, with a cigar dangling from his lips. And I, looking ravishing, with a cigar dangling from my lips. And one day I decided to let him know of my feelings. And he laughed, and drove away.

ELENA: That's terrible.

LYDIA: Oh, I was devastated. I salted the soil with my tears and beautiful rose grew there.

ALEX: Really?

LYDIA: It's a metaphor. But yes, really. And as I walked home, I heard the healing sounds of the mambo. And I followed my ears to this little dance hall. And there is where I met Berto.

ELENA: So you're saying you never would have met Abuelito if you hadn't put yourself out there and been rejected by Flavio?

LYDIA: Exactly. Because in love, you have to make yourself vulnerable.

ELENA: But it's just really hard.

LYDIA: No, no. Mira, this is what you do. You offer Dani a cookie. And if she doesn't want it, then it will be like she is rejecting the cookie, and not you. And for God's sake, who wants to be with somebody who doesn't even want a cookie?

ELENA: Yeah, maybe you're right. I mean, it beats what I've been doing. Just staring awkwardly and smelling her hair as she walks by.

LYDIA: (Looks embarrassed for her) You could do better.

ELENA: (sighs, stands up) Thanks, Abuelita. (Elena leaves)

ALEX: That was really nice of you to tell her that story, Abuelita.

LYDIA: Mentiras. That was my sister's Maruchi's story, and you know what? Frankly I'm a little insulted that you both believe that happened to me.

Scene 7: Hospital

Max is looking at a vending machine. Penelope tries walks by without him noticing.

MAX: Hey!

PENELOPE: Hey! Hi! hi!

MAX: I was hoping I could bump into you. (Penelope chuckles) Can I buy you dinner? Sun Chips? Funyuns? A single six-dollar aspirin? Wow, they really gauge you here.

PENELOPE: No thanks.

MAX: Then how about I take you out on a real date? Somewhere classy, where they make you pay for water.

PENELOPE: Listen Max. What happened last night; that's not me. I mean, it was me. I don't have, like, a really sexy twin. But um... I don't normally do stuff like that.

MAX: Let's go back to this twin thing.

PENELOPE: I'm serious.

MAX: So am I. That was a first for me. I'm actually pretty old-fashioned.

PENELOPE: (scoffs) Yeah right! Look at you! You're telling me you never jumped into bed with some cute little car crash victim?

MAX: Traffic accidents aren't the hook-up spots you think they are. Actually, when Amber and I broke up, it hit me like a ton of bricks. But, you know, after that, I kind of threw myself into work. Last night was great. Even though we rushed into it. I've had a crush on you for like fifteen years.

PENELOPE: Shut up! (laughs) Yeah, no. It can never happen again.

MAX: Why not?

PENELOPE: I get like, little chunks of forty-five minutes here and there. And I want more than a junk buddy.

MAX: Junk buddy?

PENELOPE: Yeah, that's a thing. Or maybe it's not a thing. I gotta be honest. I've got some real idiots giving me advice.

MAX: It sounds like it.

PENELOPE: Oh... Alright. We've got a problem. 'Cause I like you. But I don't wanna do the hook-up thing, and I don't have time for the romantic thing. So what do we do?

Moments later, Penelope and Max fall onto a couch in Max's apartment, panting.

MAX: I need a nap.

PENELOPE: Oh, damn, that was good!

MAX: We ate an entire pizza in seventeen minutes! And we managed to tell two embarrassing stories from high school.

PENELOPE: I'm not sure going to all four senior proms counts as embarrassing... but this was fun! Hey, come on. Come on. Is this crazy?

MAX: No! I mean, it's not ideal. But it's better than sitting in the back of an ambulance eating chili.

PENELOPE: Oh, pobrecito. That is so sad.

MAX: Well, it's an ambulance, so I usually have company. I guess that's still sad.

PENELOPE: So you'd really be okay with just 45 minutes a week.

MAX: With you? I will take what I can get.

PENELOPE: Okay, but we have to keep this a secret 'cause there's no way I can explain to my mom and kids what this is.

MAX: I'm gonna tell all my friends 'cause they'll get it.

PENELOPE: That's cool with me. (Cuddles with Max and checks his watch) Mm. Okay. My kids will be home in 25 minutes. It'll take me 20 minutes to get there.

MAX: So what I'm hearing is that we have five minutes.

PENELOPE: Lucky for you, I can do a lot in five minutes.

They kiss.

Scene 8: Alvarez Living Room

Elena's group is meeting in the living room. Dani comes from the bathroom. They are all wearing Blood-splosion 6 T-shirts.

DANI: I love these unisex shirts. Could use more blood though.

When Dani walks away, Elena sniffs her hair. Lydia walks by.

LYDIA: Are you looking to get your courage up? Do you want a little rum?

ELENA: No. I don't even want to talk to her until I know for sure that she's gay.

LYDIA: Okay.

Lydia walks to Dani.

ELENA: Wait, what are you doing?

LYDIA: Sh! Excuse me, she. What color lipstick are you wearing?

DANI: Oh, I don't wear lipstick. Just chapstick.

LYDIA: Oh, nice! (Walks to Elena) Gay. (Walks to the kitchen)

Elena takes a cookie and approaches Dani, who is talking with Syd and Margaux. Dani gets a text.

DANI: Ooh, my girlfriend's out front. She hates when I make her wait. Aw, and she bought me a cookie! I love cookies!

Syd gets up and approaches Elena, who is spacing out.

SYD: She has a girlfriend. She's so lucky. Hey, uh, do you want to split that cookie?

ELENA: Huh? Wait... Oh!

SYD: Oh, never mind. Uh, I thought... Sorry! Sorry! Sorry...

ELENA: Uh... No, no! Gay! Me, gay!

SYD: Oh... uh... me gay too.

ELENA: Great.

They share an awkward moment of silence.

ELENA: Cookie?

Syd takes the cookie and splits it in half.Alex and Lydia watch from the counter.

LYDIA: Ah...

ALEX: Yeah. She is terrible at this.

LYDIA: Thank goodness she has us.

The two cheers with a cookie. Elena and Syd start talking.

Scene 9: Alvarez Living Room

Penelope is doing work at the table and Elena approaches her. Lydia is making coffee at the stove.

ELENA: Mami, don't get mad.

PENELOPE: What is it? What did you do?

ELENA: I told you not to get mad!

PENELOPE: Which is the quickest way to make me mad!

ELENA: (Yelling) Okay, let me start again! (Normal voice) So I've been talking to Syd...

PENELOPE: Syd? I thought you liked Dani.

LYDIA: Dani is yesterday's news. Keep up!

ELENA: Anyway, I started talking to Syd, and I found out we have so much in common. And I know you aren't crazy about me dating but I was just wondering if I could get ice cream with them.

PENELOPE: And by them, you mean just Syd?

ELENA: Yes. I'm at the top of my class, and I've finished all my homework, and--

PENELOPE: Yes.

ELENA: Yes?

PENELOPE: Yes.

ELENA: But I have seven more reasons why you should let me do this.

PENELOPE: Take yes for an answer. Being a good student is obviously important, but it's not the only thing.

ELENA: Thank you! Thank you, thank you, thank you! (Elena hugs Penelope)

PENELOPE: Yeah, of course! It's important to make a little time for romance, otherwise, what are we doing? (Elena sits on the couch)

LYDIA: Mm-hmm! (Lydia sits down with her coffee)

Penelope writes in her notebook, then hears an emergency siren outside and places her hand over her heart.

LYDIA: What? Now you like the sound of sirens?

PENELOPE: Just the thought of an ambulance rushing towards a body that needs attention.

Lydia gives her a weird look.

LYDIA: You work too hard.

THE END